Waiting For My Nuts to Drop
written January 09, 2009
As of this writing, I am 23 years old. I am fairly good looking, maybe a 7 or 8 on the attractiveness scale. I am not a virgin. Actually I am far from a virgin. I fuck like it's going out of style. I am not super cultured or intelligent, but I am not stupid, and I read and keep up with current events and shit. I am very flirtatious and overall outgoing. One of my most salient characteristics is my propensity to be brutally honest and blunt without regard to the feelings of those around me, oftentimes to the detriment of their ego. I have read multiple books on women, seduction, confidence, and overall self-improvement. But when it's time for me to take the next step with a girl, I freeze. Every time. And I don't know why.
Meet "Hillary," one of my ex-coworkers. She's good looking, maybe a 7 on the attractiveness scale--one of those types that is pretty photogenic, but you wouldn't drop your jaw if you saw her on the street. She's nice, she's funny, and she's very smart. A little OCD, but I think it's more endearing than anything. We flirt. Or I flirt and she giggles and smiles. I think nothing of it and use the same lines on the next girl I see. They giggle and smile. Same shit, different day. Then Hillary takes it to the next level. She initiates contact outside of work. I see this as an obvious indication of interest. I reciprocate. We make plans to hang out, and then we hang out. She's even more attractive now that I've gotten to know her a little. We don't kiss or break any friendship barriers. I'd fuck her, but probably not date her. These are all assessments I make subconsciously without really putting any thought into it. Whatever.
A little background: she's a video game nerd. I mean hardcore. The bitch plays World of Warcraft. I bust her balls a little by saying she can only be so good since she's a woman, and women suck at most things involving hand/eye coordination (most notably DRIVING). Anyway, we go back and forth lightheartedly, until the conversation morphs into this strange flirtatious exchange where we ultimately decide the only way to settle this is by playing... strip Tetris. That's right, we decided to play Tetris together, and every time the other person lost a round, they'd have to take off an article of clothing.
Lame, I know. Nonetheless, if this doesn't qualify as a green light to plow the girl, I don't know what does. Intellectually, I knew this. In practice though, two people playing video games in their undies just doesn't organically unfold into raucous intercourse. Maybe it does for some people, but not me. I had some sort of mental block made from materials out of this world. I could not find the transition piece. Anyway, if the fact that my journey from flirting to sex involved video games wasn't enough to convince you how much I suck, here's the kicker. She came over around 10 or 11. We were up playing Tetris in our underwear until FOUR IN THE MORNING.
But the whole time we're playing, I cannot convince myself that it's real. I would win a round (because I actually do kick ass at Tetris), and she would take off a sock. Then the other sock. Then her hair-piece. Then her shirt. Then her pants. I was confused. She was actually going through with it, and I was sitting there fully clothed (because I was too dumb to realize I should be letting her win some, but whatever). This did not register. Never in my life have I half-jokingly agreed to play strip Tetris with a girl, only for her to follow through, and not only show up, but ASK WHEN WE'RE GOING TO PLAY. I mean honestly, I should have cut to the chase right there and threw her on my couch-bed. (Yes, I said couch-bed. After she cheated on me, Roast Beef moved out and took our only bed. I was left to use the pull-out couch. Try running game with THAT in the background.) But alas, I was a stupid boy. So I'm sitting there, literally speechless. Every now and then I was able to chirp out some insult about how much I'm kicking her ass, because when in doubt, insult. In the mean time, the gears in my head are spinning fast enough to power an entire city. How exactly is one supposed to take a girl, playing Tetris in her thong, and turn that into something suave? Am I just supposed to put the controller down and whisk her onto my couch-bed? Is there a topical tetris/sex transition phrase? Maybe, "I'm going to insert my long piece in that slot you left open in the middle." These are questions I never really encountered before. The situation was so strange. Finally, I decided to put my ego aside and lose a few rounds so she wouldn't be the only person in the room half naked. And FINALLY, after what seemed like eons of Tetris and awkwardness, she called me out. She made fun of me for not making a move. And I fucking deserved it. She all but screamed "fuck me" at the top of her lungs, and I could not make a move. I had failed videogame nerds everywhere, and I'm not even a videogame nerd.
Well I'm good with words in non-sexual contexts, so I turned it around on her very slick-like, effectively shifting the toolbagness from me to her. Or at least redistributing the weight so she thought I wasn't the only toolbag, but that she was equally at fault. And we ended up fucking. But honestly, what is wrong with me? She did everything shy of actually asking me to ravage her, and I KNEW I had the green light, but I just couldn't. I was like a deer in headlights, only if by "deer" I mean "dumbass" and by "headlights" I mean "the lowest circle of awkward-hell."
More Funny Shit I've Written:
- The Effect I Have on Girls
- I Am As Dumb As I Look
- How Not to Get the Girl
- Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut
- Out of Body Experience
- Sex and the City Quotes Should Be Banned
- Reasoning with Women Is Like Pissing in the Wind
- Hilarious Sexist Jokes
- You Might Be a Slut If...
- PSA for Sluts