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Vegetarian Do-Gooders, You're Doing it Wrong

written 06-08-2012

I'm dating a girl who we'll call Vegetarian Hippycrite, or VH for short. VH works for some nonprofit that applies for grants from the government, which in turn uses the money to help developing countries, mostly in Africa. She's pretty passionate about what she does and wants to move up the ranks so she can really make a difference in the world by feeding the hungry, finding a cure for AIDS and Malaria, and all those types of completely reasonable things. Incidentally, VH also:

  1. is a vegetarian
  2. likes to waste food

The other night we went out to eat and drink at some swanky place where an appetizer costs more than most people make from a few hours of manual labor, and drinks are called funny things like, "I'm a pretentious cunt." They're not actually called that, but when people order them, that's what I hear.

Anyway, she orders what she thinks is a veggie burger, and when a real burger made of cow flesh comes out instead, the following exchange ensues:

VH: Is this real meat?
Me: Yes, you ordered a burger.
VH: No, I ordered a BOCA burger. I can't eat this. Meat is disgusting.
Me: Meanwhile, in Somalia...

Imagine, just imagine, if right after that meal, she had to write a letter to poor little starving Mbutu from some famine ridden country in Africa. This is how I imagine it would go:

Hi Mbutu!

It's so great to be your pen pal! Let me tell you about the things I've been up to!

I went out to this place called Las Tapas the other night. "Tapas" is a spanish word that means "appetizer" in english. We already have appetizers in America, but when you take something ordinary and give it a foreign twist, it becomes super trendy. I'm a real sucker for all the latest trends LOL. Anyway, I ordered a drink and a sandwich. (I won't tell you how much the drink cost; it's so embarrassing LOL.) But when the sandwich came out, it was the wrong one! Can you believe it? I ordered a veggie burger (that is, a burger made out of compressed beans and rice, because I think meat is really gross), but they brought out a "real" hamburger made out of meat instead. Disgusting, right? So naturally, I told the waitress that I couldn't eat what they gave me because it was really grossing me out. Typically, it's restaurant policy to throw away mistaken orders, because if they let someone else eat the food they messed up, then people would game the system by ordering the wrong thing all the time just to get free food. And if that happened too much, the restaurant would lose money. So after I told the waitress about her mistake, they quickly brought me out the VEGGIE burger that I originally ordered and threw away the gross "real" burger made out of meat. Nobody paid for the meat burger, and nobody ate it. They just threw it away. Thank goodness.

But beside that, it was a pretty good night, especially when my date told me he was going to try to fuck the stupid out of me. I knew that meant he was going to fuck me really hard. So hot!

But enough about me; I can't wait to hear back from you about all the things you and your family have been doing! I really hope the famine ends soon and your mom has another baby boy to replace your older brother who was killed for stealing bread at the market. The place I work for is sending over a care package for you next month full of bibles and pamphlets about abstinence. Talk to you soon!

Sincerely,

Vegetarian Hippycrite xoxo

In other news, the death rate of vegetarians is still a solid 100%. And while people in other parts of the world continue to starve, by refusing to eat a food our species has evolved to thrive on for 200,000 years, you're accomplishing exactly dick for both your health and humanitarian efforts. But hey, at least your misguided sense of moral superiority helps you sleep better at night, you cunt biscuit.

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