Top 10 Most Hilarious Sexist Jokes Explained
written August 2008
Somebody requested some jokes about women, so I've listed nine of my favorite sexist jokes. One basic structure of a joke is to meld the absurd with reality. Regarding sexist jokes, the absurd would be women's rights and equality, whereas the reality is their inferiority. And because the average reader may be too simple to understand the amount of cleverness carefully woven into each line, I've annotated each joke with a basic explanation. Feel free to tell these at family functions, dinner parties, feminist rallies, and post-coital cuddle time.
Why don't women know how to ski?
Because it doesn't snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.
I always thought this joke was fairly straightforward. However, I graced an audience with it the other day, and I shit you not, somebody required an explanation. I can only imagine how many of you dopey twats won't get it either. Quite simply, it implies that women only exist for man's pleasure, limiting their daily activities to the confines of the kitchen (for cooking) and the bedroom (for sex), interspersed with regular cleaning of course. The only reason they leave one room is to travel to the other. Thus, their only experience outside the kitchen and the bedroom is in the small walking space between, and since it doesn't snow there, they couldn't possibly know how to ski. This is setting aside the fact that a woman's owner would never buy her skis in the first place, which alone would prevent her from learning.
What do women have in common with bowling balls?
No matter how many times you pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter, they always come back for more.
For those of you who don't bowl, here's a quick summary for you: it requires picking up the ball, sticking three fingers in it, and then throwing it, oftentimes landing in what bowlers call the gutter. For those of you who don't exploit trashy women, here's a summary of a typical encounter: it requires picking her up (usually at a bar), sticking your fingers in her (because she's inherently insecure and she thinks that will make you like her), and then throwing her to the gutter (because once you're done with her, she certainly can't come home with you). I said a good joke mixes the absurd with reality; however, this joke mixes reality with reality. Reality 1: the bowling ball always thoughtlessly comes back for more. Reality 2: women always thoughtlessly come back for more.
Inanimate objects 1, women 0.
What's the difference between a woman and a pay phone?
You need a quarter to use a pay phone.
The nature of a payphone is such that you cannot use it unless you put a quarter in it. And while the nature of a woman is similar in that she will only respond to money, most women can be manipulated without monetary incentive, because they consistently respond to things like false compliments and empty promises of love and affection. This joke is funny, because hell, not even payphones are that na´ve.
Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.
This joke employs the sneak attack method. The audience assumes the joke is going to ridicule Hellen Keller for her disability, as the deaf and blind are some of society's easiest targets. But alas, the punch line sidesteps the easier disability joke and hits home by mocking the demographic we all love to hate: women. The technique employed is like that of a boxer who uses a jab to distract his opponent while he cocks back for the more powerful right hook. The Hellen Keller reference is the jab. The punch line that being a woman impedes her driving ability more than her inability to see or hear is the right hook. And by "punch line" I mean "irrevocable truth."
How many men does it take to get a beer out of the fridge?
None. It's a woman's job.
This joke doesn't diminish the value of a woman so much as it asserts the authority of a man, because women actually have value when they serve men. As for the structure of the joke, it too employs the sneak attack approach. The reader automatically attempts to figure out how many men the task will require, and why. But again, the joke had no intention of poking fun at men. It was cleverly designed to distract the reader just long enough for the unexpected punch line deriding women to have full effect. If you jest like this with your wife enough, maybe she'll finally start getting some stuff done around the house.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.
This joke is great because it alludes to physical abuse, which we all know is necessary from time to time. After all, how else are you supposed to correct your wife when she overcooks your steak? Explaining her mistake is out of the question, because she might misconstrue verbal communication as a hint of equality. The only answer is the quick one two.
What do you call a woman with one black eye?
A quick learner.
This joke packs the most punch when it follows the previous joke. We've already established that physical punishment is the most effective form of communication. With this one we are implying that a woman sporting only half the effect isn't as dense as the rest of her peers. She'll never talk back again.
Of the thousands of women who suffer from domestic abuse each year, what do they all have in common?
They didn't know when to shut the fuck up.
I'll admit this joke is in poor taste because it exploits a sensitive topic which hits home to many people... uh, I mean women. For that matter, so did the previous two. Too bad they're fucking hilarious.
Why do women have periods?
Because they fucking deserve it.
This is one of those jokes that's not really a joke, but rather a true statement that happens to be really, really funny. Optimal delivery requires stress on the word "fucking."
Behind every successful woman is a well coordinated man pulling all the strings.
Again, not really a joke, but a clever little axiom. It seems that lately we have been taught to overlook simple truths such as this by all these crazy left-wing activists preaching about feminism and ideals of equality and whatnot. Really, can feminism and ideals be used in the same sentence without an air of sarcasm? I didn't think so either.
These jokes do not reflect my views and opinions of all women. Just a vast majority. Of course I don't believe that women should be owned, abused, or otherwise treated as inferior to men. However we mustn't overlook the obvious truth that there is a time and a place for women to speak, and that, incidentally, is never in my presence. If you find any of my writing offensive on any level, then my only explanation is that it must apply to you, as a "strong" and "independent" woman without any insecurities (such as "penis envy" or "suppressed lesbian curiosity") would have no reason to become defensive regarding these childish quips. Also, anyone with a shred of common sense would immediately grasp that most if not all of what I write is too absurd to be taken seriously. With all that said, if you don't like what I write, don't fucking read it. Go watch Lifetime. Or Doctor Phil. Otherwise, have a nice day. And by have a nice day I mean go fuck yourself.
Other Funny Stuff I've Written:
- You Might Be a Slut If...
- How to Have Great Sex
- PSA for Sluts
- Sex and the City Quotes Get Ridiculed
- The Four Animals Women Need
- Redundancy and Unnecessary Repetition
- Ladies Night: Helping Sluts Feel Classy Since 1833
- Skinny Bitch Book Review
- How Not to Argue
- People You Should Hate
- How to Deal with Shitty Drivers