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Red Flags to Look for in Relationships

written April 19, 2010

We've all broken up with a significant other only to realize there were 8,037 red flags we should have seen earlier. For example, one of my ex-girlfriends told me she felt like she was "competing for me with my friends and family." Upon hearing that, I didn't get the clue that she had crazy control issues. But as the relationship continued went downhill, her insanity never let up, and I eventually came to my senses and bailed. Do yourself a favor: learn from my mistakes. I offer the following list of red flags as a public service announcement. From now on, when you notice a slight aberration in the words or actions of your significant other, this list of red flags will help you figure out whether you should run like hell, call Maury Pauvich, or consider investing in a shotgun and a shovel. For most women though, all you have to do is throw a chocolate cupcake and picture of Ryan Gosling as hard as you can and then run in the other direction. She'll be distracted for hours. Problem solved.

Relationship Red Flag #1:
The word "love," as in you've been dating for less than a year when she says, "I love you."

The quickest, most effective way to solve this dilemma is to reply with, "Aww honey, it's so cute when you use words you don't understand." Then dismiss her to get back to oral. If she insists you have a serious conversation about it, tell her it's not polite to talk with her mouth full, and you'll consider giving her gibberish the dignity of a response after she's done blowing you. Then while she's down there, remind her that her priorities are supposed to be: 1) sex, 2) cooking, 3) cleaning, and 4) keeping her fucking mouth shut. But chances are you weren't able to protect her impressionable mind before she was exposed to such poison as Lifetime and Sex and the City, so she probably won't understand your attempts to correct her. She might even get mad. If this happens, just tell her you never read Twilight and you don't know how to speak vampire. Or that you never watched The Notebook and you don't know how to speak bullshit. Or that you never got brainwashed by The Lifetime Network and are still grounded in reality. Love? Seriously? In less than a year? This is the perfect gauge of maturity in a girl. Talk about living a fantasy. "I love you" in less than a year means she was taught the birds and the bees by VH1 and learned about romance from episodes of The Bachelorette. Dump that flake before you catch stupid from her.

Relationship Red Flag #2:
The word "compete," as in, "I feel like I'm competing for you with your friends and family."

I'm no Dr. Phil, but I'm pretty sure when two people commit to a relationship, they do it because they want to become part of the other person's life, not take over the other person's life. If she thinks of her relationship with your friends and family as a "competition," she probably has a whole slew of other issues which you don't want to be a part of. When a girl uses the word compete, you can count on her to be: needy, clingy, jealous, fake, a people pleaser, constantly striving to be the center of attention, dramatic, and oh I don't know, pale and freckly. Dump her and go find someone who is sane.

Relationship Red Flag #3:
The question "Why?" As in you tell her to do something, and she asks why.

In terms of red flags, any question of your authority should be a no-brainer. This innocent sounding one-worder is just the beginning of an irreversible slippery slope toward the red hot danger zone of even more unanswerable questions, like, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" and "Who are you texting?" or "What is that naked girl doing in your bed?" Best to nip it in the bud before it becomes a much bigger problem.

Relationship Red Flag #4:
Sororities. As in she belongs or used to belong to a glorified brothel.

Did I say glorified brothel? I meant whorehouse under the guise of a ridiculous campus organization. Let's be honest with ourselves, any girl who has to pay for her friends must have some sort of deep-seated social issues you just don't want to be a part of. She probably cuts herself when people don't comment on her facebook status, or worse, her best friend shits in a box. See below.

Relationship Red Flag #5:
Cats. As in, she has pets, and more than zero are cats.

If she has a cat, it means one thing: she's a homebody. If she's a homebody, it means she spends a lot of time alone with her thoughts. If she spends a lot of time alone with her thoughts, it means she's bubbling over with things to say once she gets out of her cat dungeon. 90% of the time the things she'll have to say are going to be about - you guessed it - her crazy cats. You don't want to be on the receiving end of that boring drivel.

If you don't dump her and her sanctuary of furniture destroying rodents, at least put your foot down and tell her, "It's me or the pussy." If she says pussy, first of all congratulations, it's almost impossible to get a girl to say that word. They swear it's a "gross word," but I just don't see it. Second, if she chooses the pussy over you, she was obviously a lesbian to begin with. See if she's down for a threesome. If not, hide all her vibrators out of spite and then feed the cat some laxatives. That'll teach her to be a carpet munching cat freak and lead you on about it. Stupid cunt.

Relationship Red Flag #6:
The word "submit," as in "Why won't you submit to me?"

It's a double offense in this case since it begins with "why." Girls, if a guy says this to you, he's obviously very decisive and knows what he wants in a relationship. You always complain about men who don't take charge, so you shouldn't be complaining when one finally does. Guys, if a girl ever says this to you, you might want to start reevaluating the authenticity of your nuts. This red flag shouldn't worry too many people though. It probably only rears its ugly head in Mel Gibson's house. That's right, I went current events on your ass.

Relationship Red Flag #7:
"I'm not in the mood." As in you want sex, and she's not in the mood.

If you don't think girls have a naturally high sex drive, I can show you about 45,908 websites that will convince you otherwise. Also, consider that girls, not guys, have a sex organ whose sole function is for pleasure: the clitoris. There are so many girls whose sex drive is through the roof, oftentimes higher than the guy she is with. So why are you wasting your time with this dried up twat? Go find a girl who doesn't need lube and a vampire novel to get in the zone. Seeing you sweat or grunt at video games ought to do the trick just fine. And if she's not going for it, find someone who is. Simple as that. Life is too short and relationships are too hard to put up with a dry spell longer than three hours.

Relationship Red Flag #8:
The word "No." As in you asked her where she wanted to go for your date night, and she told you to decide. You chose Hooters, and she said, "No."

In terms of red flags, any defiance of your authority should be a no-brainer. Sound familiar? That's because it is. If you didn't take my advice on viewing questions of authority as red flags, you absolutely have to draw the line at defiance. If you're willing to let her slide on probing questions, like, "Who is that girl you're always talking to?" and incomprehensible riddles, like, "Do you think she's prettier than me?" then you're doomed to a life of rhetorical tap dancing and verbal evasive maneuvers. Consider a job as a judge on the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals.

You may be able to use your lingual prowess to dodge these bullets for a while, but understand that "no" is where all the bullshit fights and ridiculous back-and-forths begin. And there is no end. She'll use it as a constant test of your manhood, your decisiveness, your resolve. You must stand firm. Or just dump her. Here's an example:

You: "Hey honey, that carpet isn't going to vacuum itself. Why don't you grab me a beer and then start cleaning, like God intended."
Her: "No."

Unacceptable. Kick that bitch to the curb.

Have any good red flag stories? Email me at itchy@itchyflight.com.

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