Advice for the Promiscuous
written December 13, 2007
Attention sloots, loose legged girls, and all those who looked up the word promiscuous
only to discover it applies to you and most of your friends, this is a public service announcement:
Are you tired of guys who pretend to listen to you just so they can sleep with you? After you give in and open your great divide, don't you wish he would treat you with respect, like a lady? Are you just plain old tired of assholes? Worse yet, are you tired of reading at a fourth grade level? Are you sick of asking a friend, What does that mean?
every time you hear a multi-syllable word?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, the following advice will completely change your life:
Put down the penis, turn off the trashy reality TV, and pick up a book. You will be amazed at the changes that take place in your life. The benefits of reading include but are not limited to:
- The ability to know the difference between common words like their, there, and they're
- The ability to follow conversations unrelated to celebrities, gossip, and The Jersey Shore (no, they are not celebrities)
- The ability to follow conversations period
- The capacity to pick up on not-so-subtle sarcasm directed at you by potential mates (e.g. when a guy more concisely repeats that dumb thing you just said, except in that sarcastic tone he always seems to use, and in an attempt to figure out why, all you can hear are birds chirping in your head)
- That proverbial glass ceiling of the corporate world may be lifted, or at least raised a notch or two, so you can get off your knees and start doing some actual work
Sound too good to be true? Fat chicks are doing it nationwide, and you can too. Hell, you might even find it more enriching than oral. The possibilities are endless. No promises though - I didn't say it would buy you a new purse, and it most certainly won't tell you that you're beautiful. If artificially bypassing your insecurities is your prerogative, you best stick with fellatio. Or anal. Either path will result in smiles across the faces of men everywhere. Make your father proud.
But maybe the incentive of a better life just isn't enough. For the girls who think a pulse and a pretty face are enough to get you through life, I'll present to you the downside of the path you're on. I give you Miss South Carolina...
Judge: Why are 1 in 5 Americans unable to locate THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA on a map?
Miss South Carolina: I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like, such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.
I've read more coherent excerpts from a schizophrenic's diary.
But talk about the perfect housewife! It is my dream to one day find a girl who is that hot and that fucking stupid. I thought I snagged her, but I guess Stephanie wised up and bought a map. A map to penis town.
The funny thing is, Miss South Carolina isn't the only one. Check out this video for one blonde's almost-to-the-point-of-foaming-at-the-mouth stupidity. Her orifice of ignorance gives me so much material for ridicule that I could fill an entire bookshelf of jokes. Then again, there are only so many ways you can call women stupid, and when they say things like that, it kind of steals my thunder. I mean, she asked if Europe and France were countries. Come on. [I hate to think that I appeal to this type of reader, but if any of you dopey twats are confused, France is a country in the continent of Europe. If this is new information, please let me know so I can tell you how I like my steak cooked.]
Moral of the story: there are reasons you only earn 70 cents to the dollar. Stop bitching and start doing something about it.
If you found this article insulting, read the disclaimer before you send me an angry email.
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