Advice for the Promiscuous
written December 13, 2007
Attention sluts, loose-legged girls, and all those who looked up the word
promiscuous only to discover it applies to you and most of your friends:
Are you tired of guys who pretend to listen to you just so they can sleep with you? After you give in and open your great divide, don't you wish he would treat you with respect, like a lady? Are you just plain old tired of assholes? Worse yet, are you tired of reading at a fourth grade level? Are you sick of asking a friend, "What does that mean?" every time you hear a multi-syllable word?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, the following advice will completely change your life:
Put down the penis, turn off the trashy reality TV, and pick up a book. You will be amazed at the changes that take place in your life. The benefits of reading include but are not limited to:
- The ability to know the difference between common words like their, there, and they're
- The ability to follow conversations unrelated to celebrities, gossip, and hair
- The ability to follow conversations at all
- The capacity to pick up on not-so-subtle sarcasm directed at you by potential mates (e.g. when a guy more concisely repeats that dumb thing you just said, except in that sarcastic tone he always seems to use, and in an attempt to figure out why, all you can hear are birds chirping in your head)
- That proverbial glass ceiling of the corporate world may be lifted, or at least raised a notch or two, so you can get off your knees and start doing some actual work
Sound too good to be true? Fat chicks are doing it nationwide, and you can too. Hell, you might even find it more enriching than oral. The possibilities are endless. No promises though - I didn't say it would buy you a new purse, and it most certainly won't tell you that you're beautiful. If artificially bypassing your insecurities is your prerogative, you best stick with fellatio. Or anal. Either path will result in smiles across the faces of men everywhere. Make your father proud.
But maybe the incentive of a better life just isn't enough. For the girls who think a pulse and a pretty face are enough to get you through life, I'll present to you the downside of the path you're on. I give you Miss South Carolina...
Judge: Why are 1 in 5 Americans unable to locate The United States of America on a map?
Miss South Carolina: I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like, such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.
I've read more coherent excerpts from a schizophrenic's diary.
But talk about the perfect housewife! It is my dream to one day find a girl who is that hot and that fucking stupid. I thought I snagged her, but I guess Roast Beef wised up and bought a map. A map to penis town.
Moral of the story: there are reasons women only earn 70 cents to the dollar. Stop bitching and start doing something about it.
If you found what I wrote insulting, read the disclaimer before you send me an angry email.
Other Funny Shit I've Written:
- You Might Be a Slut If...
- Top 9 Worst Sex and the City Quotes
- Ladies Night: Helping Sluts Feel Classy Since 1833
- Reasoning with Women Is Like Pissing in the Wind
- Why Women Are Like Cars
- How Not to Make Friends
- The Four Animals Women Need
- Drivers You Should Hate
- How Not to Get the Girl
- The Effect I Have on Girls