Poker, Driving, and Sex: Everyone's an Expert
written January 1, 2009
Chances are I hate you and you don’t even know it.
Chances are you think you're good at poker, above average at driving, and terrific in bed. Anybody who thinks any of these things, I automatically hate. Therefore, since there’s a high chance you think one of those things, if not all of them, then there’s a high chance you fall into the category of people I hate. And you didn’t even know it. But now you do, so scratch that last part of my introduction.
Poker. Quite simply, if you were good at poker, you would be playing it for a living. Or at the very least supplementing your income with it. I cannot for the life of me recall one person I've ever met who admitted to being bad, or even average at poker. No no, everybody who's ever played a game is an automatic expert. They just whittle it down to their ability to hold a good "poker face." Skill at the game is commensurate with their ability to bluff. Right? How many times have you heard that BS? The best part is when they follow it up with "but sometimes my friends gotta remind me of the rules, you know, like which hands are better than which." Incredible. These things people hold to be true couldn't be further from the truth. Poker is such a complex game, volumes have been written about it, and the compilation of all those volumes still leaves a world of information out. Even the greatest players in the world, who consistently win huge money tournaments and cash games admit that they are learning something new every day - that their knowledge of the game will never be complete. You know why? Because the fool doth think himself wise, but the wise man doth know himself a fool. So if you claim to be great at poker without having any real world experience coupled with monetary sums to back up your claim, then I doth think you a fool. A rich man doesn't have to tell the world he’s rich. Stop breathing.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
- Dave Barry
Just like poker, where everybody who's ever plopped their fat ass in front of two cards is an automatic Phil Ivey, everybody who's ever plopped their fat ass into the driver's seat is an automatic Dale Earnhart. Everybody's guilty of this, hands down. As long as you're in the driver's seat, everybody else on the road is an idiot, right? You can do no wrong. Change lanes without using a signal and almost get rear ended? That’s not your fault. He should have been paying better attention. I have more to say about you deluded idiots in this piece of genius about terrible drivers.
Sex. If I got a nickel for every girl I've heard claim to be unparalleled in the sack, when really all she does is just lay there and moan, I'd have enough money to feed Star Jones. For life. Newsflash- being hot and having a hole to fill does not make you good in bed. It just makes you available. To be "good" you have to do something memorable, something that we want to come back to, something that will separate you from every other babbling vagina scouring this country for a seed to swallow. But girls aren't even the worst. Okay, maybe they are, but guys are insufferable about their alleged sexual prowess too. Raise your hand if you know a guy who claims to wield a dangerously large dong. Or better yet, raise your hand if you know a guy who skips the hackneyed "I'm hung like a horse" route and thinks he's clever for saying, "It's not the size of the ship, but the motion in the ocean." Guess what, Napoleons of the bedroom: you can't get to Europe in a rowboat.
Everybody, please, stop bragging about mediocrity. While you're at it, don't speak in my presence.
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