People You Should Hate Part 2

People You Should Hate - Part 2

written July 17, 2008

I wish I was more of a people person. I really do. My hatred for, not just the opposite sex, but pretty much every person alive and breathing is reaching all new heights. I made the mistake of leaving the comfortable confines of my apartment a while back, and every person I came across made my blood boil for some reason or another. I just automatically hated everybody I saw. In my more naïve days I used to wait for a person to say something stupid or do something douchesque before I passed judgment on them, but lately the ratio of dumbass to non-dumbass in my life course has grown so out of proportion that I’m forced to play it safe and just assume everybody’s an imbecile. Thus I hate everybody within eyesight. Here is a partial list of those people:

Dopey twats who look for Mr. Right at bars and clubs

She wanna see how many licks do it take ‘til she get to shop.

- Lollipop, a song so awesome it was worthy of an even shittier remix

Being the astute listener I am, I was able to uncover the meaning behind this artist’s brilliant wordplay. Licks on his lollipop is a clever metaphor for fellatio. In other words, he’s referencing the temporal duration this girl must fellate him before he will take her shopping. Exchanging sexual acts for material gain? Sounds like prostitution to me.

Why am I taking time to translate these obscure yet profound lyrics? Because the girls that sing along and dance to this bullshit are the same exact girls that give guys like me a bunch of flak for our outspoken opinions of said women. These are the same exact girls who bitch and moan about not being able to find Mr. Right, when their best notion of a social scene involves frequenting sleazy bars and dance clubs. How do you think their thought process plays out?

Girl 1: I’m lonely. Where can we go to meet honest, intelligent guys with stable jobs and commendable life goals?

Girl 2: I know! Let’s go someplace where we can dance to songs that degrade women! Also, let’s make sure the venue provides a bunch of sleazy guys whose only goal is to have a one night stand, but are satisfied with getting wasted and grinding up on the crotches girls they’ve never met as a viable alternative. And let’s make sure the music is too loud to have a conversation. That way we'll have an excuse to be mad at them for not getting to know us for who we are!

Girl 1: That’s a great idea! I’ll wear this mini skirt and low cut shirt so the guys will focus on my body instead of my personality, and thus be unable to concentrate on anything I have to say. Then we can come home and complain about how they never take us seriously even though we dress like sluts and talk about profound things like shoes, celebrities, and hair.

Girl 2: Brilliant! I’ll wear this form-fitting sundress and do my best to act like Paris Hilton and the prostitutes featured on MTV’s hit show The Girls Next Door, because I don’t know how to think for myself, and meaningless sex is the quickest, easiest way to provide validation for my vapid existence.

Notice I said thought process but instead used dialogue. That’s because most girls can’t think without spewing their ignorance aloud simultaneously. Brain/mouth filter? Don’t be silly.

Apparently I have to spell it out for you crazy cunts:

Going to a bar to find a datable guy is like going to a brothel to find a virgin. It’s like scouting for Tom Brady’s replacement at the Special Olympics. It’s like fucking for celibacy. It’s like watching Carson Daily for intentional comedy. It's like waiting for Carlos Mencia to tell an original joke. It’s like looking for a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. It’s like talking to women for stimulating conversation. It’s like playing the lottery for steady income. It’s like getting married for your sanity. It’s like asking George Bush for advice on exit strategies. It’s like asking George Carlin for spiritual guidance. It’s like drinking for sobriety. It’s like filling out a myspace survey because you think people are really going to read it.

It is the antonym of common sense. But then again I’m talking about women. Expecting them to use common sense is like expecting a monkey to solve a math problem. Or an elephant to do cartwheels. Or women to use common sense.

People who put brand names on a pedestal.

There’s a song about this type of mouth breather. It goes something like, I’m a material girl, in a material world. The American dream is either being confused with or wedged out of the picture by the money dream. Shows like My Super Sweet 16, Cribs, and Life with the *filthy rich celebrity family* are skewing the perspectives of current and upcoming generations. They being brainwashed regarding what happiness is really about. Is it really ideal to be so spoiled rotten that you don’t know basic things about economics, politics, or geography? No. The correct answer is no, that lifestyle is not ideal. Not only is this lifestyle less than ideal, but for some reason you dopey twats enjoy watching it on TV in your free time. Worse than that, you vicariously worship these vapid characters by prizing meaningless names like Dolce, Coach, and Chanel. Congratulations on the new Coach acquisition; you're now just like every other disrespectable flake in the world. Cut it out.

Gossips

Small minds discuss people. Average minds discuss events. Great minds discuss ideas. The latter give the former somebody to talk about. It is infinitely better to be the one talked about than to be the one doing all the talking.

There is nothing more irritating than a gossip. A busybody. A Chatty Cathy. It doesn’t matter which way you spin the name, they’re fucking annoying. Sure, it’s normal to talk about people if somebody does something out of the ordinary. Jane is a psychotic bitch because she fucked three guys in one night and slit her wrists because none of them called her back. Cool beans, Jane is crazy. Tell the story, but don’t tell it a hundred times. Once is optimal. And dump Jane. Her drama is neither fun nor necessary. Sure, hanging around her will give you someone to talk about, but then that makes you a gossip, and we all know nobody likes women. I mean gossips. Also, if hanging around people like Jane is the best you can do, then what does that say about you? Go meet someone normal. Someone stable. Someone who doesn’t wear the key to her legs next to the heart on her sleeve.

Scapegoat seekers

It started with Adam and Eve. Adam said Eve made him do it. Eve said the devil made her do it. Today it’s most prominent in liberals who say everything is the fault of the wealthy, evil corporations, and greed. And now the liberals' media influence is making the use of excuses for shortcomings increasingly pervasive in the rest of society.

Liberals: Our government needs to help the poor by raising the minimum wage. In other words, let's shift the blame for the plight of the poor to employers.
Alternative theory: raising minimum wage will serve to increase unemployment. Human resources often comprises about 80% of an employer’s expenses, and increased minimum wage means that if they keep the same number of employees, that percentage will increase. Consequently, they’ll have to impose layoffs to keep up with competition. So by raising minimum wage to help the poor, we’ve successfully put people out of work who were earning wages they agreed to work for. They’ve gone from the alleged frying pan of earning money to the actual fire of unemployment. Way to go liberals, you’ve put us on a socialist slippery slope by implementing ideological policies without considering the realistic consequences.

Parents: I’m a good parent, but my kid is out of control because he has ADD. Sure, blame it on a made up disorder. You’ll never hear, I could probably discipline him better. Or better yet, I wasn’t ready for kids. I should have swallowed. Those are the honest answers we’re all waiting to hear.

Cheaters: I slept with him because you weren’t there for me. Oh ok, I was beginning to think you had complete control over your ability to unzip pants with your teeth. Silly me. I’m glad we cleared up who’s really at fault. God forbid we have a conversation about the dynamics of our relationship. I won’t force you to spread your legs for another guy ever again, I promise.

Liberals again: Society is to blame for our criminals turning out the way they did. Society is to blame for increased unwed mothers. Society is to blame for the chasm between the poor and opportunity for success, whatever those may be defined as. Society is to blame for this. Society is to blame for that. And of course the government should fix it. Whatever happened to personal responsibility? Whatever happened to the autonomy of the individual? Did that fly out the window with the legalization of abortion? I still don’t understand that. A man and woman’s irresponsibility should be swept under the rug of murder? When will people take responsibility for their own actions?

I scapegoat too, I just can’t think of any examples... because I, uh... have a bad memory.

Anybody who watches or is affiliated with production of the show The Girls Next Door

Am I the only person who sees something wrong with this picture? Let’s just cut to the chase here: they’re glorifying prostitution. This show is marketed toward the 13 to 45 year old female demographic, and it’s about women who sell their bodies for money. We look down upon the ugly prostitutes featured on Jerry Springer and COPS, but if we parade three attractive ones around a mansion and film their life outside the bedroom, it’s all sunshine and roses. Fucking incredible.

For lack of a better phrase, THAT guy

THAT guy, who when describing the different levels of intelligence, implies authorship over the expression street smart. Here’s his typical spiel:

You know how people are book smart but totally stupid when it comes to real world stuff? And then there are people who barely graduated high school but were smart enough to start their own business. I call them ‘street smart.’

No, asshole, you don’t. Everybody and their mother does. You’re not clever. You’re not original. You’re a dumbass. It’s a common fucking phrase. Street smart is also known in some circles as common sense, but that just wouldn’t sound clever enough, would it?

THAT guy who does everything short of sing and dance while working out at the gym. The guy who grunts as loud as possible during each rep, and then glances around the gym to see if anybody noticed how much he was lifting. Yea buddy, you’re strong. We got it. And then between each set, he struts around the entire gym with his chest out like a peacock. Because what’s the point of being strong if nobody notices?

THAT guy who lets things like The Fast and the Furious and 50 Cent lyrics determine his self image. I bought subwoofers and oversized rims because I’m an impressionable tool. I look to rap songs and music videos for guidance on how to feel accepted because I’m too insecure to think for myself or develop my own opinions. Wiggers will never admit it, but you know that deep, deep down, that’s exactly what they’re thinking.

THAT guy who tries to casually imply his grandiosity even though it’s totally unrelated to conversation topic, and probably non-existent anyway. For example...

Fellow socialite: Crazy weather, eh? How about them Lakers?

Douche bag: Speaking of crazy, my life is totally insane right now because I’m so busy with this project I’m working on for my super cool company that does super cool things. But as soon as I finish that I’m gonna be able to party again like the wild party animal that I used to be, because that’s what cool people do.

That's an actual conversation I overheard.

But seriously, half the time it’s not even something notable. He’ll be vice president of the obscure school club for the most trifling cause imaginable. Like SORES: Student Organization Reprimanding Evil Shrew-abusers. Every campus has a group like that. Facebook is rampant with them. I want them all to die. Or he’ll be doing some sort of menial paper pushing for his mildly successful boss, and he thinks it will make him sound important if he can just associate their names.

THAT guy who in college thought it was super cool to put liquor bottles on top of all the kitchen cabinets and take pictures of it. And if that didn’t give him enough validation, he would also tape empty Natty Light boxes to his walls and put up banners of beer companies. You know, because he’s hardcore into drinking, and people will like him for that. And God forbid somebody challenge his dominance at the beer pong table. Yeah bro, I own at beer pong. I’ll fuckin own your ass. And the usual, I play better when I’m drunk, because if you insinuate early onset alcoholism, it means you’re cool.

THAT guy, who when talking about annoying people, says THAT guy with extra emphasis on the word THAT as though he’s the first one to use THAT hackneyed expression. Again, you’re not THAT clever by being THAT obnoxious. Stick THAT in your pipe and smoke it. Asshole. (It doesn’t apply to me, because 1: I was making a point, and 2: I'm impervious to anything that would make me sound like a hypocrite. Go to hell.)

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