8 Types of People You Should Hate
written October, 2007
1. People who use 12 year old cool speak online.
For example people that say lyke instead of like; da instead of the; sux instead of sucks; whateva instead of whatever. The list goes on for miles. Not only these do these retards think they're cool by butchering the simplest of words, but everybody that reads it becomes desensitized to the point that THEY start using bad grammar and misspelling things. Its result is the snowball effect of a grammatical shit-storm. Actually I'm not going to lie; these people only piss me off because they're still breathing. They just add insult to injury by letting the world know through the internet. Trying to be cool was so 90s. Grow the fuck up.
2. People who take pictures of themselves for the sole purpose of putting them on myspace.
This wouldn't be such an offense, except the people that do it usually have three albums dedicated to their nonexistent photography skills. That's exactly three albums too many. And those three albums usually average out to 50 pictures a piece. Wow, 150 pictures of your ugly face from the eight different angles your pimply arms will allow. Note to the slow: taking a picture diagonally makes you neither original nor talented. Sorry to shoot down your dreams of being a model or photographer. But look on the bright side: now that you know, you can finally kill yourself, because that's about all you have to look forward to in your lonely little life. I mean lyfe, because if I spell things wrong it will make you like me. I mean lyke.
This one is self-explanatory. If not, you're probably a woman, and I'm surprised you've read this far without (a) getting pissed, (b) getting bored, (c) getting tired of reaching for the dictionary to look up words bigger than six letters, or (d) realizing it's easier to read without a dick in your mouth, but not being able to fathom a solid 30 minutes without a phallic member punching your uvula, you decided to keep sucking.
4. Ugly women.
Even worse than number 3, because not only do these talk too much, but they also make me want to gouge my eyes out with a jagged piece of glass. They should make a state strictly for this type. Oh right, Maryland. I wonder how they managed to squeeze them all into Baltimore County.
5. People who read horoscopes.
Technically this category was already covered under women, because we all know the only people dumb enough to read horoscopes are women. But for the sake of women who don't read horoscopes, horoscope readers deserve a separate category. Hell, the horoscope readers even deserve some credit. Horoscopes have entertainment value. But the entertainment value stops somewhere between shock: "Holy shit I can't believe respectable publications actually print these," and awe: "Wow. This isn't a joke. People actually take this stuff seriously." That's it. But the people who really piss me off are the ones who stick each month's vague, banal entry to their fridge or dashboard, or better yet, ask people what sign they are to see if they're compatible. Holy shit, thinking about this is actually giving me a headache.
6. People who take time out of their already insipid lives to fill out the pointless surveys circulating the bulletins on myspace.
My utter disdain for this donkey shit makes up an entirely separate entry.
7. Poker players who talk about poker while playing poker, and then some after they lose.
You know the guy I'm talking about: that moron with the short stack who makes sure you know he had the statistical advantage every time he lost a hand. You would usually counter with, "Hey diarrhea mouth, I fucked your mom last night after a game of strip poker, because I drew a full house against her ace-high flush. I asked her to tell me how far behind I was, but I couldn't understand her because my DICK WAS IN HER MOUTH!" But because that would get old after every hand, you're content with the mental image of his head getting ripped off by Optimus Prime. That's right, Optimus Fucking Prime. Transformers aren't just in my sexual fantasies. I imagine them killing the people I hate too.
8. People who don't fall into any of these categories.
More Funny Stuff I've Written:
- People You Should Hate Part 2
- Drivers Who Deserve to Die
- Think Before You Talk
- Sex and the City Quotes Should Be Banned
- Frat Boys Are Super Cool
- Redundancy and Unnecessary Repetition
- You're Unique, Just Like Everybody Else
- Poker, Driving, and Sex
- How Not to Argue Part 1
- How Not to Argue Part 2