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Top 9 Dirtiest Funny Sex Positions

written November 2007

If you want to make your woman scream and watch her toes curl, the best sexual maneuver to accomplish that is The Nestle Knockout. For those of you not familiar with The Nestle Knockout, I'll give you a hint. It's in the same category of sexual acts as:

If those titles don't ring any bells you should probably stop reading here. These are considered inadmissibly raunchy by some and borderline criminal to the rest. To me, they're fucking hilarious. Here's a rundown...

The Rodeo:

Two methods

1. As you're doing the girl doggy style, reach forward and gently cup her breasts in both of your hands. Because you've been extremely suave thus far, she'll mistakenly think you're about to say something erotic. Instead, you lead her on with a sultry voice and say, "These are... almost as big as your sister's." Try to hold on for eight seconds.

2. Go to a bar with a bunch of your guy friends and pick the ugliest girl you can find. When you're fucking her doggy style later that night, all your buddies burst into the room. As they clap, take pictures, and yell "Rodeo!" you try to hold on for eight seconds.

The Angry Pirate:

My personal favorite. When you know you're going to come, pull out and aim for one of her eyes. She'll let out an angry "ARGHHH!" at which point you kick her in the shin. She'll be hopping around with one eye closed, yelling profanities. If she doesn't sound like an angry pirate, you probably did something wrong. Try kicking harder.

Variation: As she's hopping around, push her to the ground and yell, "It's the plank for this one, mates!"

The Angry Dragon:

My second favorite. During oral, when you know you're going to come, firmly clutch her hair and pull her all the way onto your yogurt slinger. As you come, she will start coughing. But because she can't breathe through her mouth, the jizz will shoot out of her nose. That, plus the disgusted scoul on her face will make her resemble an angry dragon. For added effect, have her take a shot of 151 and spit it over an open flame.

The Houdini:

This only works if you're banging doggy style at her place. When you know you're going to come, pull out and spit on her back. She'll turn over thinking you've finished, but you surprise her with a huge load into both of her eyes. While she's scrambling to find a tissue and regain her vision, you sneak out the back.

Variation: If you've really sold her with the spit, she'll drop her jaw in shock. With careful aim you can hit the back of her throat and transition into the angry dragon. If not, you can still score a double by aiming for one eye and finishing with the angry pirate. Either way, you win.

Tips: If you know one of those shy girls who might be freaky, but you're not exactly sure how to find out, this is the perfect technique. However if you really want to savor the experience, find a girl who thinks she's wearing the pants in the relationship. Fawn over her for a few weeks, let her get away with a few things (like speaking before spoken to, or overcooking your steak), then BAM! Houdini that bitch. There's no better way to let a girl know her place. Trust me, you'll have done the world a favor.

The Jelly Donut:

A classic. When you know you're going to come, pull out, nut all over her face, then punch her in the nose. The combination of blood and spunk should resemble a jelly donut. Don't let threats of restraining orders bother you; that's just her way of saying she loves you.

The Dirty Sanchez:

Two methods

1. During anal, pull out as if you're going to change positions. When you get on top, hold her down and wipe your dirty member on her upper lip. She will look like a greasy Mexican. We will call him Dirty Sanchez.

2. After administering the shocker, wipe your pinky on her upper lip for the same effect. As you just finished administering the shocker, you should expect a high probability of her mouth being open as an expression of her duly experienced shock. Therefore, you must be careful to try not to miss her upper lip and accidentally slip your dirty appendage into her mouth, unless you want to transition into The Dirty Lollipop.

The Chilidog:

After doing anal for a little while, flip her over and titty-fuck her. The title should be self-explanatory. This can be coupled with the Cleveland Steamer if you really hate the girl.

The Cleveland Steamer:

Pretty simple. While titty-fucking her, let loose a mushy shit. Since you're going back and forth and your ass is on top of her, it's going to spread everywhere, much like the effect of a steamroller. This should be reserved only for the skank at the top of your shit-list. Oh, it would also be smart to make sure you can outrun her and her family, and all of her yappy friends.

Call me a soulless bastard, but I wish had known about these maneuvers when I found out Roast Beef cheated on me.

Before reading on, understand that the previous techniques are something you can make up for the next day, usually with flowers and compliments, depending on what level of insecurity you're dealing with. This next one will definitely land you in jail though. It only works on a certain type of girl. And by certain type of girl, I'm referring to those who enjoy anal fisting and masochism. Feel free to close your browser now.

Without further delay....

The Nestle Knockout:

Fist her in the ass, then using the same hand, punch her in the face. That's the Nestle Knockout.

Other funny things I've written:

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