Don't be an Idiot

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Myspace, Facebook, and the Social Ineptitude They Foster

written February 14, 2010

There exists a certain type of person who endlessly circulates the never engaging, ever enraging surveys on myspace. You know who I'm talking about. The person who takes the time to list 100 things you never asked them about for a reason, like their favorite color, the last song they listened to, and how many times they took a shit in the last week. Don't laugh, because the odds you've filled one out too are around the same odds of finding a whore at an abortion clinic. It's okay though, we all make mistakes. Just put the past behind you and try to focus on not being such a vacuous sore on the ass of humanity in the future. Mk? My problem with these surveys is manifold, but I'll just name a few, because too much dwelling on these will most likely incite me into a violent rage.

First of all, nobody wants to read about you, say nothing about your dog's favorite place to sleep. Honestly. Fuck off. People don't ask you these questions in real life for a reason: because they don't give a fuck. Just kidding. Listening to you suck the fun out of the room while you talk about yourself is at the very top of everyone's to-do list, right up there with burning money and changing diapers in a retirement home.

Second, what the fuck is wrong with you? Life is short and the world is big. People are interesting. Drugs are fun. There are so many more interesting, memorable, and dare I say productive things you could be doing with your time. Read a book. Ride a bike. Anything. Masturbate for Christ's sake. Literally, Jesus would rather you wallow in lustful self indulgence than bore him to death with those pointless surveys. He told me at church last Sunday.

Third, these things are written by twelve year olds. Think about it: if you're over the age of, oh I don't know, twelve, and dedicating hours of your short life to some chainmail that a bunch of kids made at a sleepover, why shouldn't you kill yourself? Your life is at its lowest point. Unless you think Will Ferrell is funny; then your life probably reached its lowest point a while ago. There is no helping you. Unless you get a lobotomy. Or somebody beats you to death.

Myspace nurturing social retardation was bad enough by itself, but then facebook also realized there’s a virtually limitless market of boring cunts to capitalize on, and thus jumped on the bandwagon of boring me to death as well. Status updates came first. Those were fine, because you could use them as self-esteem enhancers. Just take 19 seconds to read through a handful of banal status updates and you were reminded of how awesome you are for not being that obnoxious. But then they added all these asinine applications: Mafia Wars, FarmVille, Bejeweled Blitz, Which Celebrity/Twilight Character/Type of Asshole Are You? The list goes on. It's like they were trying to come up with every way imaginable to remind you exactly what your life shouldn't consist of. I'm almost positive the developers put extra thought into these, trying to draw subtle parallels of retardation and throwing out hints that your life is at the pinnacle of meaningless. Here are a few examples...

Pillow Fight update: I just hit you with the Michael Jackson Pillow in Pillow Fight. There is only one rule of Pillow Fight: The player who does not hit back in two days loses! Let's see who wins!
Translation: I just homoerotically touched you with the pillow of a transgendered pedophile. There is only one rule of Pillow Fight: If you hit back in two days, you're gayer than I am. Let's see if you stoop to my life’s level of suck.

Mafia Wars update: Michael knows a shipment of Booty from a recent raid is coming and needs their friends to help loot it. Time is of the essence, as there are only a few shipments remaining.
Translation: Michael is secretly hoping someone will raid his booty. Time is of the essence, as an extended period of anal abstinence will leave Michael to masturbate alone, using his own tears for lube.

Farmville update: Sean found a lost sheep on their farm. Oh no! Sean was farming when a sad, Lost Sheep wandered onto their farm in FarmVille. This little guy was running a race and lost his way. None of his friends are anywhere to be found. He feels very sad and could use a new home.
Translation: Sean has a fetish for sheep, and... Oh no! Just as Sean was fantasizing about his farm full of nubile young sheep, an unsuspecting, Lost Sheep wandered in front of him. This little guy was running a race and lost his way, only to discover that guys like Sean know of more than one use for the butthole. None of his friends are anywhere near to hear his cries. He feels very sad and could use a band-aid or seven for the bleeding.

Which type of loser are you? Your result: soon to be middle-aged loser. You're a soon to be middle-aged loser! What does this mean about you? It means you're no longer in high school, yet you still fill out meaningless bullshit on facebook. Before long, you'll be in your mid 30s and reaching all new high scores on Mafia Wars. Benefits of being a soon to be middle-aged loser: people think you're a good listener because your life is so boring that you have nothing to talk about. Thanks to your utter lack of basic conversational or interpersonal skills, you believe them. Furthermore, they think you're extremely trustworthy. After all, they know you spend virtually all of your waking hours alone checking facebook, so who are you going to tell their secrets to? As a result, they feel like they can tell you anything without fear of becoming exposed as a gossipy cunt. You allow them to unload their mind-numbing drivel on you, and in turn you develop a deluded sense of self-worth for being such a "loyal" friend. Congratulations, you are now one of the elite many in America who wake up every morning knowing that life can’t get much worse. It's all uphill from here.

These things actually don't piss me off that much. Rather, they serve as valuable indicators of who I should gradually sever all meaningful ties with.

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