Mean Insults and Good Comebacks

Mean Insults and Comebacks

written June 17, 2011

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Stupid people
Stupid girls
Stupid guys
Smart people
Fat people
Skinny people
Ugly people
Good looking people
Gay people
Blondes

Insults and comebacks for stupid people

I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
If you're gonna be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you're just an ass.
Wow, you're even dumber than you look.
I'm condescending? Do you even know what that means?
(If they are taking a while to think about something) I can almost hear the gears grinding inside your head.
I've heard more coherent things from a schizophrenic with Tourette's.
Think before you talk. Do you even listen to the things that come out of your mouth?
How long did it take you to come up with that one?
I bet you were up all night trying to come up that one.
Were you held back a grade? Two?
What kind of car do you drive, a short bus?
I don't argue with idiots, they will just lower me to their level then beat me with experience.
THE SHORT BUS HAS ARRIVED! Where's your helmet?
It's scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote.
It's scary to think that people like you are allowed to breed.
It's scary to think that people like you are graduating from college.
You act as though your stupidity is a virtue.
Repeat anything they say with your best stupid voice.
"HURR DURRRRRR" in your best stupid voice. For added effect, do something spastic with your arms.

Insults and comebacks for stupid girls:

The smartest thing ever to come out of your mouth was a penis.
That's why you shouldn't speak until you're spoken to.
If I put my dick in your mouth, will that shut you up?
Aaaaand that's why women earn 75 cents to the dollar.
I don't know why we ever let you guys vote.
Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?
You better hope you marry rich.
Did they teach you that in beauty school?
And people wonder why women have been historically oppressed...
So tell me, exactly how much semen do you have to swallow to become that stupid?
Shhh... it's time for the men to talk.
Please tell me you don't home-school your kids.
Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand.
It's a good thing you got those funbags to make up for your stupidity.
Good looks will only get you so far in life...
You're like the female version of Charlie Sheen.
Let me guess, you like The Jersey Shore, America's Next Top Model, and The Simple Life.
You do realize Paris Hilton isn't a good role model, don't you?
There's a reason women have been unequal for so many years: women like you.

Insults and comebacks for stupid guys:

You can't make fun of guys for being stupid. Sorry, I don't make the rules.

Insults and comebacks for smart people

You need a Ph.D. to come up with something like that.
I'm not going to waste my time teaching you something you couldn't be bothered to learn for yourself.
You have delusions of adequacy. (Walter Kerr)
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of anyone I know. (Abraham Lincoln)
A witty saying proves nothing. (Voltaire)
You have all the virtues I despise and none of the vices I admire. (Winston Churchill)
I wish you no harm, but it would have been much better if you had never lived.
You occasionally stumble over the truth, but you quickly pick yourself up and carry on as if nothing happened.
Well I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.
Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.
You act like your arrogance is a virtue.
I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said. (William F. Buckley)
Some people bring happiness wherever they go; you bring happiness whenever you go.
Come again when you can't stay quite so long.

Insults and comebacks for fat people

You know, you're not that bad looking... for a fat-ass. (If it's a girl, "fat chick" packs more punch.)
Star Jones called. She wants her appetite back. (Or any fat celebrity: Kirstie Alley, Ruben Studdard, Queen Latifah, Rosie O'Donnell...)
Why do you eat so much? (Or, depending on the situation, WHY DO YOU EAT SO MUCH?! Or, STOP EATING SO MUCH!)
[Their name]: turning treadmills into clothes racks since [whenever they started getting fat].
Do your parents (kids, significant other) get mad at you for always eating the last slice of pizza?
Do your parents (kids, significant other) hate you because you never leave any left-overs?
People like you are the reason I work out.
When was the last time you saw your whole body in the mirror?
I would take you to an eating competition, but it looks like you already won. Twice.
The auditions for Free Willy are that way. (Point anywhere)
Two words of advice: Diet and exercise. No no... Self control. No no... [Look them up and down and condescendingly say] Ah, fuck it. You look happy.
Are you collecting chins?
Where is your neck?
It looks like you traded in your neck for an extra chin.

Insults and comebacks for skinny people

If a crackhead saw you, he'd think he needs to go on a diet.
You do realize there's a point where thin is too thin, right?
When was the last time you ate?
You look like you're getting ready for a trip to Ethiopia.
Do your parents (husband, wife) feed you?
[Look 'em up and down] I guess you're going for the uh... starved look.
If you ate a meatball, you would look like you were pregnant.
You know, just starving yourself isn't gonna make you look like a supermodel. You have to actually look good too.
The Olsen twins called. They want their eating disorder back.
Good luck finding a guy who likes 'em bony.
You look like a chemo patient.
You look like you have AIDS.
Let me guess... you do all your clothes shopping at Baby Gap.
Your figure is the envy of anorexic women everywhere.

Insults and comebacks for ugly people

Adrian Brody called, he wants his look back.
Wow... [Look them up and down] God must hate you.
If your face was on fire, I would stomped it out, and that would be an improvement.
You're pretty ...[pause for effect]... fucking ugly.
Who picked out your clothes, a blind guy who hates you?
You must be the wingman.
DOUBLE BAGGER! One for your head and one for mine... in case yours comes off.
I've seen transvestites who look more feminine than you.
I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and tomorrow I will be sober.
I'm trying to think of a nice compliment, but somehow nothing comes to mind.
For girls wearing too much makeup:
- Bozo the clown called, he wants his face paint back.
- Your makeup looks like it was applied with a shot gun.
- It looks like your makeup was put on by a bunch of four-year-olds learning how to finger paint.
- I've seen clowns with a more natural look than that.
- Some women have a natural beauty. You obviously know where you stand.
- Easy on the face paint there sweetie. You look like a warrior going into battle.
- You know what they say about women who wear too much makeup: [pause for effect] they're fuckin' ugly.
For people with a lazy eye:
- What are you looking at?
- Is that an astigmatism or did your boyfriend come in your eye?
- Hey, over here! [Snap your fingers in front of their lazy eye like you're trying to get their attention]
- Look at me when I'm talking to you.

Insults and comebacks for good looking people

Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.
I'd call you a cunt, but you lack warmth and depth.
Being around you is like having a cancer of the soul.
Wow, you're even dumber than you look.
I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of gray when I talk to you.
All that makeup may make you look good, but it won't make people like you.
[After they finally get a joke] Theeeeere it is. You're smarter than you look.
Love to look at you; hate to listen to you.
Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.
Too bad your intelligence (attitude, personality) doesn't match your face.
Your boyfriend (or girlfriend) sure as hell isn't with you for your personality (intelligence, attitude).
I thought you were attractive, but then you opened your mouth.
Do people really fall for you... despite who you are?
Are you this vapid because you spend all your time in front of the mirror?
You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity (personality, attitude), right?
You know what they say about guys with big muscles: [pause for effect] small dicks.
You should spend less time at the gym and more time working on your personality (attitude, smarts, people skills).
The Rainman called. He wants his social skills back.
Let me guess... your parents didn't hug you enough as a kid.
You may not have any enemies, but your friends don't really like you either.

Insults and comebacks for gay people

Don't make fun of gay people. Seriously. Unless one is being a dick. Then use these:

You are gayer than AIDS.
Which one of the Village People are you supposed to be?
You're so flaming, you're practically on fire. I would stomp you out, but I don't want my foot to catch AIDS.
If Richard Simmons and the female version of Michael Jackson had a baby, you would be the flamboyant idiot it grows into.

Insults and comebacks for blondes

You're stupid because you're blonde.

Try quotes about everything for quotes on tons of topics, including a section on funny quotes. Or, get off the internet and come up with your own fucking comebacks. No wonder people make fun of you, you unoriginal twat.

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