Mean Insults and Good Comebacks
written June 17, 2011
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- Stupid people
- Stupid girls
- Stupid guys
- Smart people
- Fat people
- Skinny people
- Ugly people
- Good looking people
- Gay people
- People who listen to bad music
- Advice for Losers
- I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
- I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
- If you're gonna be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you're just an ass.
- I've heard smarter things from a schizophrenic with Tourette's.
- I don't argue with idiots, they will just lower me to their level then beat me with experience.
- Wow, you're even dumber than you look.
- It's pointless to make fun of you because it will take you the rest of the day to figure it out.
- I'm condescending? Do you even know what that means?
- (If they are taking a while to think about something) I can almost hear the gears grinding inside your head.
- Think before you talk. Do you even listen to the things that come out of your mouth?
- How long did it take you to come up with that one?
- I bet you were up all night trying to come up that one.
- Were you held back a grade? Two?
- What kind of car do you drive, a short bus?
- THE SHORT BUS HAS ARRIVED! Where's your helmet?
- It's scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote.
- It's scary to think that people like you are allowed to breed.
- It's scary to think that people like you are graduating from college.
- You act as though your stupidity is a virtue.
- [Repeat anything they say with your best stupid voice.]
- "HURR DURRRRRR" in your best stupid voice. For added effect, do something spastic with your arms.
- The smartest thing ever to come out of your mouth was a penis.
- That's why you shouldn't speak until you're spoken to.
- If I put my dick in your mouth, will that shut you up?
- Aaaaand that's why women earn 75 cents to the dollar.
- I don't know why we ever let you guys vote.
- Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?
- You better hope you marry rich.
- Did they teach you that in beauty school?
- And people wonder why women have been historically oppressed...
- So tell me, exactly how much semen do you have to swallow to become that stupid?
- Shhh... it's time for the men to talk.
- Please tell me you don't home-school your kids.
- Aww, it's so cute when you try to talk about things you don't understand.
- It's a good thing you got those funbags to make up for your stupidity.
- Good looks will only get you so far in life...
- You're like the female version of Charlie Sheen.
- Let me guess, you like The Jersey Shore, America's Next Top Model, and The Simple Life.
- You do realize Paris Hilton isn't a good role model, don't you?
- There's a reason women have been unequal for so many years: women like you.
- For girls wearing too much makeup:
- I could remove 90 percent of your beauty with a wet Kleenex.
- Bozo the clown called, he wants his face paint back.
- Your makeup looks like it was applied with a shotgun.
- It looks like your makeup was put on by a bunch of four-year-olds learning how to finger paint.
- I've seen clowns with a more natural look than that.
- Some women have a natural beauty. You obviously know where you stand. [requires sarcastic tone]
- Easy on the face paint there sweetie. You look like a warrior going into battle.
- You know what they say about women who wear too much makeup: [pause for effect] they're fuckin' ugly.
- For a minute there I thought you were complaining about your sore vagina.
- If you bitched anymore I would think it was that time of the month for you.
- You remind me of a younger, dumber Arnold Schwarzenegger.
- Guys like you are why girls turn lesbian.
- Hold on, I'll go find you a tampon.
- If I give you some Midol, will that shut you up?
- [In your funniest, high pitched girly voice, as though you're imitating what they just said:] My pussy hurts!
- I'd rather throw a puppy in a wood chipper than talk to you anymore.
- Guys are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
- Who let you out of your cage?
- All I heard was, "Blah blah blah, I'm an asshole."
- Out of millions of sperm, you were the fastest?
- I really want to help, but I don't think they make extra strength Midol for men.
- You need a Ph.D. to come up with something as meaningless as that.
- I'm not going to waste my time teaching you something you couldn't be bothered to learn for yourself.
- You have delusions of adequacy. (Walter Kerr)
- He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of anyone I know. (Abraham Lincoln)
- A witty saying proves nothing. (Voltaire)
- You have all the virtues I despise and none of the vices I admire. (Winston Churchill)
- I wish you no harm, but it would have been much better if you had never lived.
- You occasionally stumble over the truth, but you quickly pick yourself up and carry on as if nothing happened.
- Well I could agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.
- Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology.
- You act like your arrogance is a virtue.
- I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said. (William F. Buckley)
- Some people bring happiness wherever they go; you bring happiness whenever you go.
- Come again when you can't stay quite so long.
- You know, you're not that bad looking... for a fat-ass. (If it's a girl, "fat chick" packs more punch.)
- Star Jones called. She wants her appetite back. (Or any fat celebrity: Kirstie Alley, Ruben Studdard, Queen Latifah, Rosie O'Donnell...)
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking? No, because I'm not thinking about Twinkies.
- Why do you eat so much? (Or, depending on the situation, WHY DO YOU EAT SO MUCH?! Or, STOP EATING SO MUCH!)
- [Their name]: turning treadmills into clothes racks since [whenever they started getting fat].
- Do your parents (kids, significant other) get mad at you for always eating the last slice of pizza?
- Do your parents (kids, significant other) hate you because you never leave any left-overs?
- People like you are the reason I work out.
- When was the last time you saw your whole body in the mirror?
- I would take you to an eating competition, but it looks like you already won. Twice.
- The auditions for Free Willy are that way. (Point anywhere)
- Two words of advice: Diet and exercise. No no... Self control. No no... [Look them up and down and condescendingly say] Ah, fuck it. You look happy.
- Are you collecting chins?
- Where is your neck?
- It looks like you traded in your neck for an extra chin.
- If a crackhead saw you, he'd think he needs to go on a diet.
- You do realize there's a point where thin is too thin, right?
- When was the last time you ate?
- You look like you're getting ready for a trip to Ethiopia.
- Do your parents (husband, wife) feed you?
- [Look 'em up and down] I guess you're going for the uh... starved look.
- If you ate a meatball, you would look like you were pregnant.
- You know, just starving yourself isn't gonna make you look like a supermodel. You have to actually look good too.
- The Olsen twins called. They want their eating disorder back.
- Good luck finding a guy who likes 'em bony.
- You look like a chemo patient.
- You look like you have AIDS.
- Let me guess... you do all your clothes shopping at Baby Gap.
- Your figure is the envy of anorexic women everywhere.
- Adrian Brody called, he wants his look back.
- Wow... [Look them up and down] God must hate you.
- If your face was on fire, I would stomped it out, and that would be an improvement.
- You're pretty ...[pause for effect]... fucking ugly.
- Who picked out your clothes, a blind guy who hates you?
- You must be the wingman.
- DOUBLE BAGGER! One for your head and one for mine... in case yours comes off.
- I've seen transvestites who look more feminine than you.
- I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and tomorrow I will be sober.
- I'm trying to think of a nice compliment, but somehow nothing comes to mind.
- For people with a lazy eye:
- What are you looking at?
- Is that an astigmatism or did your boyfriend come in your eye?
- Hey, over here! [Snap your fingers in front of their lazy eye like you're trying to get their attention]
- Look at me when I'm talking to you.
- Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.
- I'd call you a cunt, but you lack warmth and depth.
- Being around you is like having a cancer of the soul.
- Wow, you're even dumber than you look.
- I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of gray when I talk to you.
- All that makeup may make you look good, but it won't make people like you.
- [After they finally get a joke] Theeeeere it is. You're smarter than you look.
- Love to look at you; hate to listen to you.
- Beauty is skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.
- Too bad your intelligence (attitude, personality) doesn't match your face.
- Your boyfriend (or girlfriend) sure as hell isn't with you for your personality (intelligence, attitude).
- I thought you were attractive, but then you opened your mouth.
- Do people really fall for you... despite who you are?
- Are you this vapid because you spend all your time in front of the mirror?
- You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity (personality, attitude), right?
- You know what they say about guys with big muscles: [pause for effect] small dicks.
- You should spend less time at the gym and more time working on your personality (attitude, smarts, people skills).
- The Rainman called. He wants his social skills back.
- Let me guess... your parents didn't hug you enough as a kid.
- You may not have any enemies, but your friends don't really like you either.
If you make fun of gay people just for being gay, that's like making fun of someone for having blue eyes or for liking people with blonde hair. I.e. It doesn't make sense and is stupid. BUT, if a gay person is being a dickhead, feel free to use these:
- You are gayer than AIDS.
- Which one of the Village People are you supposed to be?
- You're so flaming, you're practically on fire. I would stomp you out, but I don't want my foot to catch AIDS.
- If Richard Simmons and Michael Jackson had a baby, you would be the flamboyant idiot it grows into.
- You're really living up to your hair color.
- Just because you're blonded doesn't mean you have to act like an idiot.
- No amount of hair dye will fix this level of stupid.
- Way to reinforce the stereotypes.
- I would make fun of you, but I don't think you'd understand it.
- Are you stupid because you're blonde, or are you blonde because you're stupid?
- Good thing blonde hair isn't contagious.
- You're pretty.... fucking stupid.
- Who introduced you to this garbage? A deaf person who hates you?
- This music is slightly more tolerable than listening to a fat man's wet fart.
- Throw five cats and a lit firecracker in a bag, and that's almost as bad as this music sounds.
- The music you like sounds so bad, my first reaction to make it stop is to kill myself.
- You call those lyrics? I've heard more coherent thoughts from a schizophrenic with Tourette's.
- Your taste in music is comparable to a blind man's taste in fashion.
- I could find a team of deaf amputees who could make better music than this.
- If you're ever looking for good excuses to kill yourself, your shitty taste in music should be at the top of the list.
- My five year old deaf cousin could carry a tune better than this.
- You're the first person whose taste in music has made me regret not being born deaf.
- Somebody needs to get in touch with Hellen Keller to congratulate her for never having to be exposed to this garbage.
- I hope you don't have aspirations to become a DJ.
- Jim Jones could have gotten a lot more people to commit suicide. All he had to do was ask you to make your favorite playlist.
- If I had to guess what Chewbacca fucking a dinosaur sounded like, your music would be pretty close.
- Top five things to avoid in life:
- Your taste in music
- Choking on horse cum
- Drowning in a shallow pool of vomit
I originally started this site a long time ago to blow off some steam over a girl who cheated on me. My flawed logic at that point was, "If one girl is an evil slut, then all girls are evil sluts." So naturally I wrote a bunch of rants slut-shaming women and deriding things I hated, like my ex-girlfriend and stupid women and shitty drivers.
Even though I think 90 percent of my site is funnier than this page about insults and comebacks, this is the page that brings my site the most traffic. Apparently a bunch of fat twelve year olds and other people low on the totem pole get picked on in school, work, or the McDonald's drive-thru and immediately go home to google "good comebacks," because they're not original enough to come up with their own comebacks. Since discovering this fact, I figured it best to redirect this page to further help you fuckers who get insulted all the time. I was picked on in school, so I know what it's like. I wrote about my "transformation" from insecure loser to confident man-child here: No More Apologies.
Advice for Losers
First of all, if you are a fat twelve year old getting made fun of in the McDonald's drive-thru, STOP GOING TO MCDONALD'S. Otherwise, the insults and comebacks on this page are gold, so definitely use them. There's no better way to take an asshole down a peg than to outwit them. Then again if they fire back with something better which you can't top, you're just going to look like an idiot, so use with caution. Unless you don't give a fuck, which is how it should be, so carry on.
Second, go take up some sort of hobby or sport that will increase your confidence, such as wrestling, boxing, weight lifting, running, swimming, or any sport. It's 100 times easier to brush off the words of a douche bucket when you know you can hold your own if things get physical. But let me be clear: I'm not suggesting you should instigate a fight or any kind of violence. Just develop some physical strength or skills so you'll have confidence knowing you can stand your ground.
Third, hang around funny, witty people; read funny, witty books; and watch funny, witty shows and movies so you can develop your own funny, witty personality. Chirping out the crap on this page will only get you so far. More important is to develop your own style and be able to think on your feet. The first step in developing that social skill is to constantly expose yourself to people you want to be like. I can't really give you advice on hanging out with funny people--just go meet people until you find a funny one and then make friends with them. How do you make friends with them? Be nice, take genuine interest in things they like, and never insult or criticize them.
As for shows...
I recommend you watch shows like The League, Archer, and maybe Whose Line Is It Anyway. The League (on FX) is the funniest show on TV about a group of friends who talk trash--friendly, but stinging and hilarious trash--to each other about their fantasy football teams. Don't know anything about football? That's okay. You don't need to know anything about football to enjoy the show anymore than you need to know about medicine to enjoy Grey's Anatomy or House. Notice the attitude, tone, and style of wit these characters use. Then try to mimic that style in real life.
Archer (also on FX) is a hilarious cartoon about a narcissistic secret agent who just doesn't give a fuck and spouts off funny one-liners and insults like it's going to get him laid. It actually does get him laid, but it's also a fictional cartoon, so don't get too excited. And finally, Whose Line Is It Anyway is just a hilarious improv comedy show, but if you play the games on the show with your friends and family, it will inprove your ability to improvise, come up with quality lines off the top of your head, and be funny. I actually REALLY recommend you join an improv group in your area if you can. Because practice makes perfect.
As for books...
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max is hands down the funniest book I've ever read in my life. Since I probably can't do a good description justice, here are the words of the author straight from his website:
"My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way. I share my adventures with the world."
If you want a primer on how not to give a fuck and live life on your own terms, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell is a collection of stories about exactly that, chronicling all the ridiculous situations he gets himself into, and all the hilarious, witty things he says and does throughout. I'm not going to lie, this book is a huge inspiration to me and his style has definitely shaped my own.
Another great book to read if you want to draw from an ocean of wit is Alphabet of Manliness by Maddox. Holy hell. If the dictionary had picture references, this guy's mug would be next to the word "funny." Again, I probably can't do a description justice, so I'll just recommend one of the funniest things he's written, and you'll know from there whether his book is worth the read: Crappy Children's Artwork and Crappy Children's Art - Part 2. You're welcome.
Finally, if you just feel like you lack general social skills, or you just want to be more personable in general, this book will change your life: How to Win Friends & Influence People
I decided to start a whole new website on how to improve the three most important facets of your life: health, wealth, and relationships. I know for a fact, from my own personal experience and the stories of countless others, that if you focus on yourself first, everything else will follow. If you live your own life by your own standards, develop your own values and decide what's most important to you OUTSIDE of other people, then people will find you more attractive. People in general will want to be around you, and the opposite sex will want to be a part of your life... and bang you. All good things.
The site is new, but will focus on things like:
- Coming up with your own set of values and principles and sticking with them no matter what
- Advice, links, and other resources on eating right, getting physically fit, and how to defend yourself
- Choosing proper role models (hint: start reading biographies of successful people)
- How to deal with bullies
- How to make friends (start with this book: How to Win Friends & Influence People)
- How to make money, manage your finances, and get rich. Really.
- A lot of stuff on how to meet, talk to, and escalate romance with women.
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- 8 Types of People You Should Hate
- 5 Types of Drivers You Should Hate
- 7 Worst Sex and the City Quotes
- Top 9 Funniest Sex Positions
- 10 Hilarious Sexist Jokes
- I'm Bad at Sex
- PSA for Sluts
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