Don't be an idiot

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Mean Insults and Good Comebacks

written June 17, 2011

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Insults and comebacks for stupid people

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Insults and comebacks for stupid girls:

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Insults and comebacks for guys:

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Insults and comebacks for smart people

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Insults and comebacks for fat people

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Insults and comebacks for skinny people

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Insults and comebacks for ugly people

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Insults and comebacks for good looking people

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Insults and comebacks for gay people

If you make fun of gay people just for being gay, that's like making fun of someone for having blue eyes or for liking people with blonde hair. I.e. It doesn't make sense and is stupid. BUT, if a gay person is being a dickhead, feel free to use these:

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Insults and comebacks for blondes

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Insults and comebacks for people who like bad music

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About this page and this site:

I originally started this site a long time ago to blow off some steam over a girl who cheated on me. My flawed logic at that point was, "If one girl is an evil slut, then all girls are evil sluts." So naturally I wrote a bunch of rants slut-shaming women and deriding things I hated, like my ex-girlfriend and stupid women and shitty drivers.

Even though I think 90 percent of my site is funnier than this page about insults and comebacks, this is the page that brings my site the most traffic. Apparently a bunch of fat twelve year olds and other people low on the totem pole get picked on in school, work, or the McDonald's drive-thru and immediately go home to google "good comebacks," because they're not original enough to come up with their own comebacks. Since discovering this fact, I figured it best to redirect this page to further help you fuckers who get insulted all the time. I was picked on in school, so I know what it's like. I wrote about my "transformation" from insecure loser to confident man-child here: No More Apologies.

Advice for Losers

First of all, if you are a fat twelve year old getting made fun of in the McDonald's drive-thru, STOP GOING TO MCDONALD'S. Otherwise, the insults and comebacks on this page are gold, so definitely use them. There's no better way to take an asshole down a peg than to outwit them. Then again if they fire back with something better which you can't top, you're just going to look like an idiot, so use with caution. Unless you don't give a fuck, which is how it should be, so carry on.

Second, go take up some sort of hobby or sport that will increase your confidence, such as wrestling, boxing, weight lifting, running, swimming, or any sport. It's 100 times easier to brush off the words of a douche bucket when you know you can hold your own if things get physical. But let me be clear: I'm not suggesting you should instigate a fight or any kind of violence. Just develop some physical strength or skills so you'll have confidence knowing you can stand your ground.

Third, hang around funny, witty people; read funny, witty books; and watch funny, witty shows and movies so you can develop your own funny, witty personality. Chirping out the crap on this page will only get you so far. More important is to develop your own style and be able to think on your feet. The first step in developing that social skill is to constantly expose yourself to people you want to be like. I can't really give you advice on hanging out with funny people--just go meet people until you find a funny one and then make friends with them. How do you make friends with them? Be nice, take genuine interest in things they like, and never insult or criticize them.

As for shows...

I recommend you watch shows like The League, Archer, and maybe Whose Line Is It Anyway. The League (on FX) is the funniest show on TV about a group of friends who talk trash--friendly, but stinging and hilarious trash--to each other about their fantasy football teams. Don't know anything about football? That's okay. You don't need to know anything about football to enjoy the show anymore than you need to know about medicine to enjoy Grey's Anatomy or House. Notice the attitude, tone, and style of wit these characters use. Then try to mimic that style in real life.

Archer (also on FX) is a hilarious cartoon about a narcissistic secret agent who just doesn't give a fuck and spouts off funny one-liners and insults like it's going to get him laid. It actually does get him laid, but it's also a fictional cartoon, so don't get too excited. And finally, Whose Line Is It Anyway is just a hilarious improv comedy show, but if you play the games on the show with your friends and family, it will inprove your ability to improvise, come up with quality lines off the top of your head, and be funny. I actually REALLY recommend you join an improv group in your area if you can. Because practice makes perfect.

As for books...

I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max is hands down the funniest book I've ever read in my life. Since I probably can't do a good description justice, here are the words of the author straight from his website:

"My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way. I share my adventures with the world."

If you want a primer on how not to give a fuck and live life on your own terms, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell is a collection of stories about exactly that, chronicling all the ridiculous situations he gets himself into, and all the hilarious, witty things he says and does throughout. I'm not going to lie, this book is a huge inspiration to me and his style has definitely shaped my own.

Another great book to read if you to draw from an ocean of wit is Alphabet of Manliness by Maddox. Holy hell. If the dictionary had picture references, this guy's mug would be next to the word "funny." Again, I probably can't do a description justice, so I'll just recommend one of the funniest things he's written, and you'll know from there whether his book is worth the read: Crappy Children's Artwork and Crappy Children's Art - Part 2. You're welcome.

In a few days, I will add more advice on things like:

  1. Coming up with your own set of values and principles and sticking with them no matter what
  2. Choosing proper role models
  3. How to deal with bullies
  4. Links and other resources on eating right, getting physically fit, and how to defend yourself
  5. Anything else you want advice on. Email me. My email can be found on my contact page.

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