Funny Jokes
posted August 31, 2010
Stand up comedy secrets! (advertisement)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre.
How many political commentators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None, they prefer to be left in the dark.
- It doesn't matter. They will all lay it on the table and scream at it because it doesn't work.
- It depends on how many different ways you want it spun.
What's the difference between a goat and a homeless man?
If you kick a goat, you'll never hear the end of it from PETA.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's jewish and sticky?
A shtick.
You gotta stick three fingers in there and wriggle them around to make sure they fit right.
That's what she said... in reference to a bowling ball.
The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
That's what she said... in reference to a rubix cube.
The more you screw it, the tighter it gets.
That's what she said... in reference to a light bulb.
The long, thick ones feel better.
That's what she said... in reference to tube socks.
The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
That's what she said... in reference to a screen door.
If you go in through the back, it's a tight squeeze and gets really messy.
That's what she said... in reference to anal sex.
Why does Snoop Dog use an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
Why did the little girl drop her balloon?
She was getting raped in the face.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
I can't peanut butter my cock in your mom's mouth.
What's the difference between two dicks and a joke?
Most women don't know how to take a joke.
And finally...
After a late night of partying, a guy invites his friends back to his new apartment. While he is giving them a tour, one of his friends notices a huge gong with a hammer near the wall.
What's up with the gong?
the friend asks.
Oh that's not a gong, it's a talking clock.
They don't buy it. Dude, that's not a talking clock, it's obviously a friggin' gong.
He replies, No, I swear, you hit it with that hammer as hard as you can and it tells you the time. Go ahead, give it a try.
His friend shrugs his shoulders and complies, striking the gong. After a few seconds they hear a voice from the other side of the wall:
HEY ASSHOLE! IT'S THREE-THIRTY IN THE FUCKING MORNING!
Check back regularly for more awesome, and email me your jokes at itchy@itchyflight.com. Also, check out Be Stylish! - Style and Dressing Advice for Men. (product ad)
You can't copyright a joke, but I'm not going to take credit for all of these. Many came from here, however I did author a ton of the punch lines you see both here and on reddit.
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