I am as Dumb as I Look
written March 5, 2008
For all the shit I throw at clueless bitches for being, well, clueless bitches, it's only fair that I admit I'm not always in best form either. I was truly humbled one weekend when my cousin came to visit, as she never fails to call me out on my stupidity and hypocrisies. Here are a few examples:
We're touring DC, walking up the little pond that leads to the Lincoln memorial. A group of college kids see us pouring over her map and stop to ask us where we got it. She subtly calls them retards by saying, The dollar store... in Florida... before I left.
They laugh at themselves and we laugh, because hey, they were dumb enough to tour DC without buying a map. Then I redeem them. Being the social butterfly that I am, I try to strike up a small conversation by asking, Well where are all of you from?
No sooner than the words left my mouth did I realize that four of them are wearing sweatshirts with the big bold words, PROVIDENCE COLLEGE.
My loving cousin didn't miss a beat with the quick retort, Rhode Island, dumb ass.
Girls: 1, Me: 0.
While my cousin, sisters, and their friends were out shopping for bridesmaid dresses, my sister lost her purse. She's flakey; we expect this type of thing. Long story short, my cousin and I are driving home later that day, and my sister texts us to say she found out where her purse was. Never missing an opportunity to sound like a fucktard, I ask, Well how the hell are they going to verify that she's the owner of the purse?
My cousin gave me a good few seconds to realize what I just asked. I still hadn't come up with an answer, so she proceeded to tell me about how people usually keep their driver's license in their handbags, and matching the face on the license with the face of the claimant will almost always give it away.
There were other times during her visit when I said some dumb shit, but my therapist says that recalling them isn't good for my depression. In my defense, she saw a guy with a cardboard sign on the corner and asked, Is that a homeless guy?
Also, she doesn't know anything about Jews. When I told her the biggest dilemma for a Jew would be free bacon, she looked at me with a blank stare and said she didn't get it. And I thought I grew up sheltered.
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