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How to Show Your Personality

written September 23, 2010

Do you have an online profile, but you're not quite sure how to express yourself? Are you looking for ways to show everyone how unique and original you are? First off, answering yes to either of these questions is an obvious indication that you lack any personality to showcase at all. But let's not get caught up with details. You have people to bore, and I have the solutions you need. So pay attention. The following are real life examples of the thoughtless mind-vomit you'll find sprinkled liberally all over facebook profiles. On second thought, I'm being generous in calling it mind-vomit, because that implies these linguistic wizards actually used their minds to come up with this stuff. I can actually feel my personality turning a dull shade of grey when I read these...

Interests: movies, music, laughing, and having fun
Analysis: This is the epitome of unique. If this list of universals doesn't constitute a clear window to the soul, I don't know what does. I've racked my brain for days, and I cannot for the life of me think of one other person who likes watching movies, listening to music, LAUGHING, OR HAVING FUN. I'm surprised she didn't throw in food, breathing, and sex for good measure, lest we think she's not human. But thanks to her enormous capacity for specificity, we're now aware that her personality knows no bounds. She must really be something special.

Favorite Music: if it sounds good and I enjoy listening to it, then I like it.
Analysis: I know what you're thinking, but no, I am not making this one up. I don't consider myself to be an expert on logic, but this is just absurd. She supports a conclusion, "I like it," with the same, differently worded conclusion, "I enjoy listening to it." Moreover, as evidenced by the word "and," the two supporting arguments don't naturally follow each other. In other words, according to her redundant logic, just because it sounds good doesn't mean it's enjoyable. Whereas the rest of us would normally conclude that sounding good is the natural precursor to enjoyment, she finds it quite necessary to point out that these are two separate and independent events via the word "and." Not only that, but both must occur simultaneously in order for her to like the music. You see, enjoyment does not equate to liking; and sounding good, by itself, leads to neither enjoyment nor liking. It's the combination of sounding good and enjoyment that is the very strict prerequisite for her to provide a peek into her soul the only way she knows how: by pressing the iLike button on her facebook profile.

Favorite Quotes: *insert endless string of quotes from Sex and the City here*
Analysis: Here's a good quote for you to put on your profile: "I have the personality of a box of rocks. That's why I quote ridiculous TV shows - so I'll seem slightly more interesting than a dirty sock." Sex and the City quotes give good women a bad name. If you practice this atrocious behavior, please get your tubes tied.

Favorite Books: books? lol wut r those??!1?1/
Analysis: Ahh, the too-cool-for-school guy. First, this wannabe self-advocate, but really self-satirist, attempts to telegraph his cleverness by asking what books are. He is trying to force the assumption that his exposure to books has been intentionally limited to the point that he is entirely ignorant of the meaning of the word. Point taken, sir. You are indeed an ignorant cunt biscuit. Second, the author attempts to portray extra passion about his intentional ignorance through the use of extra punctuation. This is to really get the point across that he is sooo super cool that he would rather get caught fucking a stuffed rabbit than caught reading a book. But this is even cleverer than one thinks at first glance, as evidenced by the third implication: the numerals and the forward slash you notice are there intentionally. This "overlooked" typo serves the purpose of implying an even further lack of exposure to books, as anyone who reads the apparently uncommon "book" would understand that effective communication requires the omission of typos so as not to telegraph illiteracy or foster confusion. Subtle, my dear sir, but we all see the ruse you are trying to employ, and it still makes you look like a tool shed. Finally, there is the use of twelve year old cool speak: "lol," "wut," and "r." The use of "lol" is meant to give off an air of condescension, as though this foreign and ridiculous concept of reading is so far beneath him that it's comical. But he takes it one step further and buttresses this connotation of superiority by misspelling the common words "what" and "are" in the way the rest of the higher-ups of the intentionally ignorant world do. Thanks to this little piece of information, we are all now aware of how cool awesome fun to be around stupid you are due to your aversion to hard copy texts.

Favorite Movies: Anchor Man, Talladega Nights, Blades of Glory, Old School, Wedding Crashers, Elf, Step Brothers, anything with Will Ferrel lol
Analysis: If the primitive cerebral makeup of this asshat wasn't driven home by his intentional and proud predilection to avoid anything that might stimulate thought when he so cleverly claimed to not know what books are, then he's really trying to make sure you understand his intellect is somewhere between involuntary drooling and running around in small circles for fun by pointing out that he exclusively prefers the lowbrow, don't-say-anything-funny-just-be-as-loud-and-obnoxious-as-possible-sans-substance version of "comedy" that is consistently provided by Will Ferrel. In other words, he wants the world to know that he is blissfully distracted for hours simply by watching a man whose acting ability is limited to, literally, yelling non-sequiturs, like, "MA! THE MEATLOAF! FUCK!" Another theory to explain this proud display of stupid is that he's trying to advertize himself to girls who are half as smart as three day old dog turds, and thus twice as likely to find his hackneyed Will Ferrel impressions cute and witty. Thank you for taking that ignorant flake off the market, and enjoy the stimulating conversation she provides. Jackass.

Now like I said, I'm here to help you showcase your glimmering personality, not just make fun of assholes. That said, all of the above are examples and explanations of what not to do. If you're afraid your profile is strikingly similar to these banal examples, but you can't figure out how to be more original, play it safe and delete your account. While you're at it, get sterilized. Then bludgeon your head with your keyboard, because that's quite possibly the best use you're ever going to find for it. And stop watching The Jersey FUCKING Shore, you dopey twat. It's stupid, just like you.

It's really scary to think that people this thoughtless are out there graduating from college, raising children, and driving.

Now be ironic and click a share button below.

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