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How Not to Argue: say "I Heard"

written January 02, 2009

"I heard" is a phrase that sends up major red flags when I meet somebody new and am deciding whether I'll have a meaningful conversation with them.

The main difference between "I heard" and "they say" is that the former sounds a bit more gossipy. And by a bit more gossipy, I mean you would only hear it uttered from a woman's lips, though flaming metrosexuals are prone to the same oral diarrhea. And it's never about anything trivial, but rather about lofty matters, such as who's spending time with who and why, who's fucking who, and what people are saying about it.

There are two major flaws in starting out a statement with "I heard." First, you're establishing yourself as a gossipy sac of estrogen, because "I heard" is rarely ever followed up with anything worth hearing. It's only ever used as a prefix for two things: 1) banal gossip about some person or group of persons I already hate so much that I often fantasize about their demise via gorilla penetration, or 2) something hokey like paranormal pseudo-science, socialism, episodes of Sex and the City, or astrology (as opposed to astronomy, which is an actual science, because I know half of you dopey twats don't know the difference). Second, you're starting off with no credibility. Ever play the telephone game as a kid? If so, I don't really care; I was just throwing that in there to confuse you. Back to credibility - ever see one of those movies "based loosely on actual events?" That's all the accuracy I'm liable to associate with anything beginning with "I heard." In those movies, the writers, directors, producers, and all others associated with production of the film use as much fabrication, poetic license, and straight up bullshit as possible to make the movie interesting. In my experience, people who say "I heard" have largely the same motivation. They throw in all kinds of content buffers, exaggerations, and flat out lies to make whatever they are saying interesting. This is a self-serving purpose, which is perfectly normal, because humans are social beings. We want people to walk away thinking we're interesting, not, "Wow, what a boring cunt." That's fine, just don't bring it my way. Because I still think you're a boring cunt.

Though the hackneyed yet always inappropriate prefix "I heard" is usually limited to the occasions mentioned above, every once in a while you will have the misfortune of coming across some pseudo-intellectual who uses it to buttress his arguments. I'm using "argument" in the loosest possible sense of the word. It pains me to address this misuse, because for anybody serious about their argument to say "I heard" is to automatically insult the intelligence of the person they are arguing with. Think about it. Imagine debating a topic you're passionate about, and citing all your information with lectures, books, or articles only to have it demeaned by some asshole who says something asinine, like, "Well I heard that Al-Qaeda is just a red herring, and that George Bush was really the one behind the attacks on 9/11." And to ice the cake, they sincerely think they made a valid point. Really? You heard that? I heard the Tickle-Me-Elmo was spawned by an underground effort to impose communist ideologies on our children. Coincidentally, I also heard my foot would fit nicely up your ass if only you could get your head out first. DAMN people are stupid.

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