Get Off the Road - ItchyFlight.com

If You're One of These People, Get Off the Road
August 5, 2008

Raise your hand if you’ve ever sped up to a red light. Excellent. If you’re raising your hand, kindly slam your head into the wall. Where the hell do you think you’re going? By speeding up to the red light, not only are you ensuring that you will get there just in time to stop and wait like everybody else, but you are also ensuring my blood pressure rises dramatically in the process. In case they didn’t teach you this in driver’s ed, I’ll tell you: you will not get to your destination any faster by speeding up to the red light. That is unless you’re driving around for the sole purpose of catching as many red lights as possible, and if that’s the case, kindly smash your head into the wall again, because wtf? If I ever become governor, president, or any other type of leader with pull concerning rules, it will become standard operating procedure for police to shoot on site, with no questions asked, any asshole caught speeding up to a red light. They will also be required to find your place of residence and shoot all your kids, because I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow anybody that stupid to pass on their genes. And they might as well shoot your spouse for marrying somebody with that much shit for brains. While I’m at it, I’ll have all these people shot on site too:

Hummer Drivers

Really? Really?! What the fuck is the point? Regular SUVs don’t waste enough gas for you? You have to get this oversized, plastic looking piece of shit to compensate for your genitalia-size related insecurities? I mean come on, it was originally issued for sole use by the military. What, you found some rough terrain you need to drive through? You got a three foot deep lake you need to cross? Going over the river and through to woods to grandma’s house? I bet your grandma will be real proud of your life-sized Tonka truck, you fucking tool.

Chuck Norris eats metal and shits Hummers. You know what that means? You’re driving around in a piece of crap. Literally, it came out of a man’s ass. That’s just gross.

Old People

These deserve to be shot not only for their terrible driving, but because they’re completely worthless in every other regard. For example, social security. I can think of 100 better things for our government to pay for than wrinkly old skin sacks that waddle around with canes and walkers. And what’s with the clothes? Did you lose your sense of fashion with your hearing? I’m no Calvin Klein, but damn. And bingo! At exactly what point in the aging process did fucking BINGO become a barrel of monkeys? Was the six o’clock news just not crazy enough? Were you sick of watching Matlock one night and thought to yourself, “Fuck this, I’ve only got a few more years to live. I should go try my luck at BINGO!” Die already.

Women

Get off the road. We know you like to show the world you’re not entirely useless by trying to multi-task, but you don’t have to risk our lives in the process. Save it for when you’re doing something that comes more natural to you, like vacuuming. Also, when giving directions from shotgun, why do you insist on waiting until the very last second to tell the driver when to turn? Instead of talking incessantly about nothing only to realize we are about to pass the turn at 50mph, just give us a little advance notice. And it’s never something quiet and calm, like, “Oh this is it. Quick, turn here.” No, you always make it sound like a life or death situation. First, you shoot up in your seat and breath in real sharp as though we’re about to slam into a brick wall. Then you clutch the side of your seat with one hand and start pointing frantically just in time to say it. “THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT!” Of course, it’s too late, and instead of slamming on the brakes and risking a five car pileup, we usually just coast past it and look for the next spot to make a U-turn. And of course you never miss a beat to chime in with, “Aww you missed it. Make a U-turn up here.” Never “we” missed it; always “you” missed it. Guys, invest in a navigation system. Or better yet, make the bitch ride in the backseat. By the backseat I mean a separate car.

Tailgaters

People who drink beer and grill food in parking lots before sporting events are cool. People who ride your ass all the way to the grocery store are not. But in my experience, getting angry at the asshole behind you is about as satisfying as masturbating with IceyHot. So don’t get mad, get even. Wait until you’re on a single lane road, or if you’re on a two lane road, pull up next to the nearest geriatric and then slow down. As a rule of thumb I like to do about five below the speed limit, because the speed limit is slow enough as it is. But when I’m feeling creative, I’ll take my foot off the gas until I’m doing about ten. Not ten below the speed limit; ten miles per hour. Then I’ll speed up until he’s far enough behind me, and then come to a complete stop. Then I do the hokey-pokey and turn myself around, because that’s what it’s all about.

Any other demographic I don’t belong to

Even if you don’t fall into any of the above categories, you’re probably still a shitty driver. Get off the road.

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