The Four Animals Women Need
written June 18, 2008
Love is on the same level of mythology as unicorns, leprechauns, and honest women with common sense. There is simply no such thing. If you don't agree with me, it's because you're not as smart as I am. I wouldn't expect you to understand.
You want unconditional love?
Get a dog. Find God.
You want kids?
Donate sperm. Adopt.
You want sexual gratification?
Watch porn. Masturbate. Easier yet, barhop on ladies night.
You want to piss away your time, money, self-respect, and sanity?
Find a girlfriend. Get married.
There's nothing more disheartening than witnessing a guy make life altering sacrifices for some woman because he was brainwashed to believe in fairytales like fidelity, trust, and commitment.
If you're lucky, she'll cheat on you after three years. If you're like most suckers though, she'll wait some 25 years until you have two kids, a business, and a mortgage. Then she'll up and decide those 25 years of love and commitment weren't enough. She needs something NEW. She needs something EXCITING. And then without warning, she'll wipe her ass with those 25 years of fidelity, sacrifice, and memories. She'll start with say, a face lift. Then maybe laser hair removal. Or how about a nice Brazilian wax? Or a boob job! Nothing says "I'm bored with our marriage" like a random tit-lift 25 years too late. Of course if you offered to buy her silicone when they first started sagging, she would have thrown the book at you. You know the book of arbitrary rules, double standards, and trivial do's and don'ts every man is supposed to somehow know when entering a relationship. Then she'll go and find that special someone. That man who "was there for me when you weren't." Fact: any woman who says that is lying. If all she needed was someone to talk to, then she would have found another WOMAN to talk to. After all, who can relate to (irrational) women better than (irrational) women? But no, by "be there for me" she meant "be inside me."
Here's another little known secret: there's only one small difference between the husband and the lover. Similarity: neither man wants to talk after sex. Difference: the lover has an excuse not to talk after sex. What is his excuse, you ask? He doesn't have a chance to talk; the cheating whore has to scurry home before her husband becomes suspicious. Like a wise man once said: "What's the difference between a woman and a can of beer? After you're done with the beer, the can is still worth five cents." ZING.
With all that said, I'd like to quote the mantra of the all American woman. Ladies, I know you know it too, so say it loud and say it proud.
The four animals women need:
A tiger in the bed,
A jaguar in the garage,
A mink on her back,
And a jackass to pay for it all.
Guys, don't be the jackass.
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