The Four Animals Men Want in Life
written January 16, 2010
It's been said that a woman wants four animals in her life: A jaguar in her garage, A tiger in her bed, A mink on her back, And a jackass to pay for it all.
So to go along with that, I declared the four animals a man wants in his life:
Fish to provide pastime and relaxation on the weekends;
Donkeys to provide action at the poker table;
Hyenas to provide validation and boost our egos by laughing at our jokes; and
Dogs to provide simple companionship without questions or criticism.
However, there is one animal most men seem to settle for:
The Female Dog who constantly bitches and moans; who can complain about nothing and criticize us for everything; who incessantly whines and inexplicably cries. But at least we get the occasional lay. Even though she usually only wants it on her period.
I decided to anticipate some catty responses and disarm them with my unshakable man-logic:
Women: Letís be fair here. The Four Animals Women Need was insulting to women for being superficial and materialistic. Not only is The Four Animals Men Need not insulting to men, but you still finagle a way to get a jab in at women with the last one. And then you label the rest of us as bitches. Thatís not very fair at all.
Man-logic: First of all, I never said bitches. I said female dogs. Admitting something, are we? Second, get your head out of your ass. The title of this site is "Don't Be an Idiot." It's not "Objective Consideration of Male Shortcomings to See What Genuinely Warrants Apology and Change." Besides, how many publications do you see where women are able to come up with funny quips and criticisms of men? Itís difficult to make fun of the perfect sex.
Women: When it comes to objective reasoning in relationships, men are just as incapable as women.
Man-logic: First of all, I donít speak the language of broad assertions without empirical evidence; maybe you havenít read the rest of my totally objective website. Secondly, you didnít even try to defend women by denying your inability to be reasonable; you just tried to bring men down to your level. That's an ad hominem logical fallacy. Way to reaffirm my assertion about your lack of basic reasoning skills.
Women: We do not complain and criticize men all the time. The things youíre saying arenít fair. Guys are just as confusing, dishonest, and untrustworthy as girls. Youíre just being an asshole!
Man-logic: Iím sorry, was that another complaint? Another criticism? Another ad hominem? Letís not add inconsistency and hypocrisy to the repertoire. I have enough material to berate you with as it is. No need to overload me with ammunition and add stress to my workload.
My logic is flawless and my analogies are superb.
Read more awesomeness:
- The four animals women need
- Men can be scumbags too
- Sex and the City quotes should be banned
- Reasoning with women is like pissing in the wind
- Hilarious sexist jokes
- You might be a slut if...
- PSA for the promiscuous