Where Atheists and Science Fall Short
written June 2008
EDIT: I wrote the following as a person who was raised Catholic, but I now realize I was just that: raised Catholic. I've grown to realize I don't actually believe in any of their ridiculous tenets. For that matter, I don't believe in the tenets of any religion, faith, higher power, or anything supernatural. I have, since my brainwashed childhood, developed my own beliefs and way of thinking based on things other than blind obedience and fear, and I have come to the conclusion that all religions are both ridiculous and arbitrary, and faith as a way of thinking is extremely dangerous. The following is what I used to believe. As I read it today, it's comical. And honestly, a little embarrassing. Without further ado, I present what I used to believe...
A widely respected scientist hailed for his profound work with aquatic and amphibious life forms was doing a novel experiment with frogs. The experiment went as follows.
He took a frog with all four legs, clapped his hands and said, "Frog, JUMP!" The frog jumped four feet, so in his notebook he wrote, Frogs with four legs jump four feet. Then he cut off one of the legs leaving it with three, clapped his hands and said, "Frog, JUMP!" The frog jumped three feet, so in his notebook he wrote, Frogs with three legs jump three feet. Then he cut off one more leg leaving it with two, clapped his hands and said, "Frog, JUMP!" The frog jumped two feet, so in his notebook he wrote, Frogs with two legs jump two feet. Then he cut off one more leg leaving it with one, clapped his hands and said, "Frog, JUMP!" The frog jumped one foot, so in his notebook he wrote, Frogs with one leg jump one foot. He finally cut off the frogís last leg, leaving it with none. He clapped his hands and said, "Frog, JUMP!" Froggy didn't budge. He clapped again. "Frog, JUMP!" Still nothing. So in his notebook he wrote, Frogs with no legs go deaf.
He published his work and was recognized with highest honors for his groundbreaking discovery uncovering the link between locomotive appendages and hearing.
That was a story told by one of my professors in undergrad. Obviously it's not real. The following quote, however, is very real:
Mental ability is inherited... The country cannot afford to admit year after year large numbers of mentally inferior people, who will continue to multiply and lower the level of intelligence of the whole nation. (Rudolf Pintner, Intelligence Testing: Methods and Results. p 361)
Iím not sure which is funnier, the story or the quote. Either way, science deserves a big round of applause. Or should I say pseudoscience.
Before I serve the meat of this little post, I think it's only fair to say that I am completely biased. I have a big problem with atheists. You know the guy who sits in the front of the class and raises his hand every five seconds to argue with the teacher about every little point because he's just so fucking smart? That's how I see atheists. They're condescending, self-righteous, know-it-all assholes. They think they've got it all figured out.
Atheists love to use science, logic, and reason as their foundation for arguing against the existence of God. The two questions atheists always ask are 1) What proof is there that God exists, and 2) If God is all good and all powerful, why does He let bad things happen to good people?
Each of these has a simple, irrefutable answer which is all too obvious, but before I answer these questions, I would like to ask the atheists some questions.
- Why do we sleep?
- Why do we dream?
- Why do we yawn?
- Is light a wave or a particle?
- Which is more badass, a pirate or a ninja?
- If matter can neither be created nor destroyed, where did it all come from?
These are simple phenomena that have been around since the dawn of man, and as soon as one of your scientists can give a precise answer to these simple, age-old questions (not a theory, but a clear-cut, universally accepted answer), then and only then will science have enough credibility to argue about the existence of God. Until then...
What proof is there that God exists?
This question just goes to show that atheists are so smart they can't see the forest for the trees. Take a look around you. The world is too beautiful and too complex to be the result of some cosmic accident. I'm an ignorant guy, but I cannot find enough ignorance inside me to say this world and all the good inside it isn't the work of something higher than us. To look at the beauty in the world and say there is no God is about as self-righteous as one can get.
If God is all good and all powerful, why does He let bad things happen to good people?
Newsflash: we have free will to do whatever we want. We do bad things, not God. God isn't peddling crack to take advantage of the poor and uneducated addicts. People are. God isn't beating His wife because she overcooked His dinner (although He probably would, because it would be a sin not to keep a woman in her place). People are. God isn't corrupting the minds of children. People are. We are. There is nobody to blame but ourselves. Think about the innocence of a child. Now notice how it disappears at the same rate as his or her capacity for logic and reason develops. Along with our "increasing" intelligence comes our decreasing ability to see the once bright line between right and wrong.
And I've heard the whole God is arbitrary argument. Why not believe in the flying spaghetti monster? Thatís just as probable as the God postulate, right? Yes, you're absolutely right. Let's conveniently ignore the New Testament, which relative to other ancient texts we deem credible is considered one of the most historically accurate. (Source: The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel, an investigative journalist who graduated from Yale Law and, imagine this, is an atheist turned Christian.)
And another thing: logic and reason led us to believe the earth was the center of the universe. Logic and reason led us to believe the earth was flat. Logic and reason led Hitler to believe he could create a superior race by exterminating those he considered inferior. Logic and reason led entire nations to believe communism was a plausible form of government. Logic and reason led us to believe women should have the right to vote and drive. Ha. Logic and reason led Supreme Court Justices to decide an unborn child with a heartbeat and brain activity isn't considered a person, and is thus worthy of death at the whim of his or her unfit mother. (So please, when I am incapable of speaking for myself but can maintain a heartbeat and brain activity, please douse me with a burning chemical, vacuum up my remains, and throw me in a dumpster. I don't want any sort of burial or memorial service, because if an innocent baby doesn't deserve one, I certainly don't deserve one after my life of immorality and sin.)
I think it's time we pull our heads out of our asses, take a look at the big picture, and admit how little we think we know.
And finally, which is more badass, a pirate or a ninja?
The obvious answer: Chuck Norris. If a pirate and a ninja could mate, Chuck Norris would be the result. But seeing as pirates and ninjas are inherently incapable of homosexual behavior, that will merely remain a hypothetical scenario. Moreover, since we all know women are inherently incapable of doing anything right, we must assume that no woman could have ever given birth to the embodiment of awesomeness we all know as the Norris. Therefore, the only logical explanation for Chuckís existence is that he was, is, and always will be.
Oh, and Harry Potter is also superior. Ninjas are sneaky and pirates are bad-asses, but with a lazy flick of his wand, Harry Potter could have them tap-dancing in footed pajamas, or worse, paying for a woman's dinner. Chuck and Harry own.
I know that was long. Thank you for wasting your time. Now atheists, have at me: email@example.com.
Hilarious edit: I am now an atheist. So scratch the above solicitation. Instead, religious people have at me.
More stuff I've written that you will undoubtedly enjoy:
- Boiling Frog Syndrome
- You're Unique, Just Like Everyone Else
- People You Should Hate
- People You Should Hate, Part 2
- How Not to Argue
- How Not to Argue, Part 2