Crying During Sex
written June 20, 2012
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One time I was having sex with a girl, and she started crying. Yes, it was consensual. No, I didn't slip it in her butt by surprise. Yes, she was crazy.
Is that a promising start to a story, or is that a promising start to a story? (Hint: The answer has nothing to do with pickles.)
A little background: We were having a summer fling. Strong chemistry ignited it, but temporal and spatial constraints meant we both knew it had to end before long. Regardless, we were really into each other. I didn't find out she was crazy until way later, however this little crying while fornicating episode was such an obvious red flag, I'm surprised she didn't opt to skip the charade and just plant a red flag in her vagina.
So we're having sex, and then she starts crying. This is a new experience for me. Am I supposed to use the tears for lube as I dismount and go masturbate in the corner? Unlikely. Is it because the sex is just so damn beautiful? Double unlikely. Other thoughts that go through my head:
- Crying already? I haven't even snuck out yet.
- If she's crying now, how is she going to react when I don't call her tomorrow?
- If this is some sort of test, I'm pretty sure I don't want to pass.
- Please... you know I don't really think your name is "Oh yeah baby."
- Most girls resort to slapping, kicking, and pepper spray, but this is oddly more effective at killing my boner.
- Can't wait to hear about THESE daddy issues.
- Most girls resort to crying as attention getting behavior ... Does that mean she knows I've been thinking about other girls for the last eight and a half minutes?
- Wrong emotion. You're supposed to be doing that other thing girls are great at: screaming.
- If you want a real reason to cry, wait until I come in your eyes.
- If I was trying to make you cry, I would have told you what I actually think about you.
So of course as soon as I noticed her sobbing, I stopped calling her by her sister's name and asked her what the problem was. Turns out she was insecure about something. Imagine that.
Sometimes I wish I was gay just so I could be satisfied knowing that if my sexual partner is crying, it's not about some stupid fucking insecurity, but because their asshole is bleeding. That way I don't have to jump through hoops of verbal gymnastics to fix the problem. Just wait a few days and use extra lube next time.
Fucking women. They take the fun out of everything.
More funny things by me:
- You Might Be a Slut If...
- How to Have Great Sex
- PSA for Sluts
- Ridiculous Sex and the City Quotes
- Women Need These...
- Redundancy and Unnecessary Repetition
- Ladies Night: Helping Sluts Feel Classy Since 1833
- Skinny Bitch Book Review
- How Not to Argue
- People You Should Hate
- How to Deal with Shitty Drivers