Congress Tests Theory of Probability
written September 23, 2010
"If enough monkeys bang on enough type writers for a long enough time, eventually they will produce the entire works of Shakespeare." This saying has long been the basic illustration of theory that lays the foundation for probability and statistics. Nobody thought this needed to be tested. Until now.
Congress announced yesterday that it will fund a study to test this theory, as they’ve been running out of ideas for things to waste money on. According to the senate member who originally proposed government funding for the study, "Verification of the credence of probability and statistics is crucial to detached intellectual debate and speculation, without which our social and economic policies would be subject to anachronisms such as ex post evaluations based on empirical data."
Opponents of the study, which will use taxpayer dollars to pay for "an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters for an indefinite amount of time," claim the mechanics of the study are the real problem, citing typewriters as a dead technology. Instead of typewriters, they propose the use of iPads as a more efficient means to test the theory, due to being both thin and lightweight, both key features of a hip technology, according to research done by lobbyists from Apple. Furthermore, opponents of the proposed study claim, "The language ‘indefinite’ leaves room for interpretation by anti-intellectuals who may try to test the practicality of this bill in the courts. Instead of ‘indefinite,’ the word ‘infinite’ should be used to delineate the time span of the study so as to better comport with its purposes. Furthermore, an infinite time span will leave little room for an objective, results-oriented evaluation of the program’s viability, which might result in its premature termination."
The United States president has already voiced his approval of the bill, stating that the retrograde mass production of typewriters necessary to carry out the study will create an infinite amount of jobs, stimulate the economy for an infinite period of time, and give Apple consumers another product comparison to justify their stupid spending decisions with. Fringe politician Ron Paul argued against the practicality of the study, claiming that infinite numbers are, by definition, impossible to evaluate post hoc for the precise reason that they never end. But he was quickly and easily dismissed out of hand by other members of congress when proponents of the study labeled his approach as "ridiculous" and "another attempt to perpetuate the status quo," citing that "common knowledge has long dictated that intentions are more important than results."
On a related note, the new health care bill does not force insurers to cover workers who suffer from head injuries caused by the infinite number of feces thrown by the infinite number of monkeys used in the never ending study.
If enough congress members bang out enough laws for a long enough time, eventually they will produce a Marxist state. This illustrates the basic notion behind the theory that laid the foundation for the limitations on government set by the Constitution. Nobody thought this needed to be tested. Until now.
This piece of literary genius was inspired by Thomas Sowell's phenomenal book Intellectuals and Society
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