Think Before You Talk
written December 16, 2008
I’ve come to the sobering realization that the intelligence of Americans as a whole is in a state of unstoppable, rapid decline. I work in a restaurant, so every day I get to meet all kinds of different people who have an array of different opinions across a very, very narrow range of topics - sports, celebrities, and politics, in that order. I'm beginning to think that's all there is to life. Well if you know me at all you know I don’t like sports or celebrity gossip, and I don’t pretend to know shit about politics, so I do a whole lot of listening and a whole lot more of not caring. But once in a while I'll get somebody who says something so asinine it’s fucking unforgettable. Here are a few of those things.
The people in retail like to play a game: whoever tells the biggest lie and gets the customer to believe it wins. One guy told some dumb bitch that it costs us $10 million a year to maintain the fish tanks. $10 million per year. Obviously nobody’s dumb enough to believe that right? I under estimate the human race yet again; she ate it right up. I see this scraggly old black woman with a gleam of excitement in her eyes storming towards the bar. At first I thought she was about to chew me out for God knows what, when, hardly able to contain herself, she exclaims, Dat manager mayn said dem fish cost ten miyun! Ten miyun!!
I look at her with confusion, because 1) she doesn’t seem to notice the food crusted around her mouth, and 2) none of our managers have enough of a sense of humor to say something that silly. As I’m glancing around the restaurant to see which manager could have said it, I see Billy over in retail looking at me with this shit-eating grin on his face. I quickly realize that she mistook Billy for a manager, that he was playing his little game, and that she might be mildly retarded. So of course I played along. If I’m not mistaken she left thinking it not only costs $10 million annually to maintain the fish, but that we have to use stun guns to catch the big poisonous ones
for our Sunday brunch special.
We don’t even have a lunch menu. I love fucking with stupid people.
Another day a woman sitting at the bar called me over to inquire about the drink menu. I’m fully expecting her to ask me what is in a certain drink or how much it costs. Nope. I shit you not, she points to the word toucan and asks, How do you pronounce that word?
I hesitated for a second. Is she serious? Can she not sound it out? This is too much...
Well ma'am, it's actually a commonly mispronounced word. Many people say 'too-can,' but as it was adapted from a province in Madagascar, the
C
is silent. The correct pronunciation is too-ahn.
However the indigenous people tend to slur the syllables together, making it sound like twan.
It's named after a flying fish that went extinct seven years ago. It’s $6.99.
Ahh ok, too-ahn. Hey baby, we gotta come back her one day and get this tropical too-ahn, it sounds delicious!
Outstanding.
Jack Sprat’s wife sat at the bar 20 minutes before we opened. While I’m still obviously setting up the bar, and even though I said no every time, she continued to ask in five-minute intervals, Can I order now? Can I order now?
Can you really not wait 20 minutes until the kitchen is ready, you fucking cow?
A large party of about 60 special education kids and their teachers came in. After the party settled down and everybody was eating, one of the teachers decided she wanted broccoli instead of the vegetable medley we offer. But before she could commit to that life altering decision, she had to clarify something very important. Let me just repeat, this is one of the TEACHERS. She asked her waitress, Is it white people broccoli or black people broccoli?
............
Are you serious? What the fuck is the difference?
Does one kind of broccoli show up on time while the other is always late? Does one kind of broccoli have rhythm and enjoy basketball, while the other would rather stay at home and watch Seinfeld? Does one kind of broccoli have a baby daddy? Does one kind of broccoli like to watch Court TV, while the other is actually starring on Court TV? Does black people broccoli have soul? Does the black people broccoli sing in their church’s gospel choir? Is white people broccoli too bland? Does black people broccoli have to be deep fried and served with watermelon and kool-aid? Is black people broccoli best with Remy and Hennessey? Is white people broccoli always trying to hold down the black people broccoli? Does it have to participate in the million broccoli march to be considered black people broccoli?
Fucking incredible. Of course if a white customer asked a black waitress that kind of question, all hell would break loose.
And then people ask me why I’m moving to Florida. I’ll tell you why, because it’s not Baltimore.
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