Advice for Horny Muslims
written November 2, 2010
For the sake of your religion's reputation;
For the sake of the lives of innocent people;
And for the sake of not giving Richard Dawkins
Try your best to find 72 virgins to fuck during this lifetime. That way you don't have to jump through all these fiery hoops of jihad and martyrdom to secure them in the next.
Why do I suggest this? Aside from the compelling reasons I just gave, you seriously need to realize that Allah was pulling a fast one on you when he made that promise. Virgins aren't all they're cracked up to be. For starters, they have no sexual experience. I know what you're thinking. "Silly Christian, that's the whole point!" First, I'm not a Christian. Second, I have some bad news. Their lack of sexual experience is not a good thing. It is not a good thing, because...
- You have to do all the work. And if you're doing all the work, that inevitably means
- She's just going to lay there like a dead fish, which is not fun. And
- Despite all your best efforts, you won't get an accurate appraisal of how good you were, because she has no one to compare you with.
To be honest, reason #1 should only be a problem for fat guys. If you're in shape, you can tirelessly pump away, no problem. But if you're fat, you're going to want to take a breather and put her on top to do some of the work. But that's going to suck, because being a virgin and all, she won't know what to do up there. If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself.
Reason #2 isn't so bad, except for the fact that you're getting the same reward as masturbation for three times the effort. You might as well just find some good "It's my first time" porn and jerk it for the same effect. Then you'll save yourself from a potential heart attack (fat guys) because of all the work a dead fish requires.
Reason #3 simply derives from the undeniable male ego. Guys brag about how big their dick is, and they brag about how good they are in bed. If we were girls, we would brag about how big our tampons are. It's what we do. No guy intends to finish the job unless he's under the impression he knocked it out of the park. (Yes, this holds true even when we plan on sleeping with you only once, because we want you to brag about us to your friends. Social proof is an invaluable ace in the hole when it comes to getting laid.) Anyway, that's one reason girls fake orgasms, because they don't want to get dumped for bruising the guy's ego. And that's why guys hate girls who fake orgasms, because transparent insincerity is the worst. Not only that, but we're resentful that a man's ability to lie is limited to the spoken word, whereas women have found a way to extend it into the bedroom.
Second, and maybe this doesn't bother some guys, but the whole affair is going to be bloody and messy. Unless she's been fingered before. But then let's be honest, a girl that's been fingered before isn't really a virgin anymore than Michael Jackson is really a straight black man.
Another problem: you only have one cock. I know, I know, if I was in a room full of 72 virgins, I would have enough cock to go around for eeeeveryone. But what I mean is... consider this scenario: You get to this holy Mecca of 72 nubile, untouched women. You've got a morning girl and a night girl picked out for each day of the month. For a while (is time relative in eternity?), everything is going smooth. You're having your cake and eating it too, morning noon and night. Then BAM! Out of nowhere you start to like one of them better than the rest. NOW what the fuck do you do? You're going to have 71 jealous bitches on your hands for the rest of eternity. Effectively, your heaven has turned into hell. Because let's be honest, just one jealous bitch yapping away is about as much fun as watching Brokeback Mountain with the Village People. Naked. Imagine dealing with 71.
With all the pick-up artists and roofies circulating the world, there's no way these girls are virgins:
With all the Harry Potter and Twilight circulating in her head, there's no way this girl is not a virgin:
Those pictures lead me to my final point: Allah never promised good looking virgins... just plain, garden variety virgins. In my experience, most virgins are virgins for a reason: they're fat, ugly, or Catholic. More likely, they're some cruel combination of the three. That would be the ultimate irony for a Muslim--72 of your garden variety, untouched fatties who graduated from Jesus Camp. Which brings up another question: do you get virgins who are in their prime? Or do you get them the way they were when they died--old, saggy, and musty in all the right places? Because hey, if she's never been touched, technically, it's still in the rules. Right? Silly Allah. I always knew he had a sense of humor.
Why am I suggesting all this? Because I sincerely want to water down the notion of this whole "perks of the afterlife" thing. I want the more devoted (or just plain horny) members of your religion to realize a suicide mission juuuust isn't quite worth it. There are easier ways to fuck virgins. And even then, you're going to be disappointed by the whole experience. The best things in life may be free, but remember, prostitutes charge money for a reason.
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